Must've been the day...

We all have those days, ya know?

Just because today is a good day doesn't mean rough days aren't going to come.

I read this quote by Dr. Seuss:

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

It was one of those smile things that made me feel ok.

I don't know how to not care about the things I wrote about yesterday without that equaling more hardness.

Not care=not feeling=walls up=hard as stone

Balance.

I'm working on it.

E.E. Cummings said:

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."

I want to be brave and not afraid. I don't know why I get so fearful that the me I'm becoming will be a person people don't like. I don't know why I can't not care.

But its exhausting. I feel like I'm relearning what I had down for a little while but then lost.

I think too much. And it drains the living mess out of me.

But I don't want it to be hard work to be my friend.

I've been told that love really isn't all you need. That that doesn't sustain a relationship. That more has to be there.

I think I believe that more everyday.

And I don't know what to do about that.

Love has be a driving force that seems to keep a lot going these days. But I'm not so sure that is enough. And it is when I question that, that I freak out a little. Because love isn't the absence of hurt or pain or difficult times. But is it enough to sustain through that?

I hope so.

I find myself hoping a lot lately.

I once asked someone who told me to start hoping instead of fearing "But then aren't you setting yourself up for heartache?"

She said, "Sweetie, don't you already have heartache?"

Touche.

Not that one should hope with expectation. I learned a while back that expectations will only disappoint you.

Maybe its more about faith.

All that to say, I realize the heaviness of yesterday's post. And I'm starting to question if I've ever been a "light" person. Things I don't know.

But I do know that I wrote a lot last semester out of hurting. I don't think I'm hurting. Just sorting through the chaos of my mind. Because I feel like my life is all over the place, literally and figuratively. It was bound to pour out of my brain at some point. That was yesterday.

But this is now. A new day. Still with little resolution and lots of reservations.

Reservations that I guess are self-imposed. Reservations on being, because that doesn't seem to be enough. Not needing anything but understanding of my mind.

How will I understand if I don't weed through what's worth thinking about to begin with.

After all, thats the point of this blog for me. To weed out and ramble aloud.