Recent Things:

1. I'm moving back to Conway tomorrow. It's been a year since I've lived there and not just visited. This could be a really fun endeavor. Or not so much. I'm praying for the former. I like the city and think the 5 weeks I spend there will be great.

2. I have a love of paper and packaging. Do you ever have loves that you don't know what to do with? Who knows where that will take me, if anywhere besides enjoying writing letters and sending them in fun envelopes. But some people make their living creating stationary...I've never considered this an option but may be I will start.

3. I went out dancing with some friends last night and had the best time. Only once before have I been to the Electric Cowboy..and after an hour that first time, I was exhausted...I left so baffled, unsure of how we had dance parties what seemed like every weekend last year...but last night, I left overjoyed that after 3 hours of dancing, I could've kept going. Once I got over that first hour, I was good to go...I haven't lost my dancing stamina! : ) what a relief...

4. However, crawling into bed at 4 am wasn't the best idea since I had to get up at 8am to do engagement pictures. I really enjoy doing engagement pictures and finding fun, unique locations to do them...Most of the time, it is really sweet to see 2 people in love interact...other times it is just nauseating...if I'm just being honest...but I like feeling like I am getting the hang of this stuff...

5. I read on someone's blog about a picnic club...isn't that a fantastic idea? Things I want to do at some point. And I still have hopes of building a magical fort...ever want to surprise me? build a fort....or make brownies....or write me a letter....quality time is a gem...reasons I think I'll hopefully be a good mother one day....I love those things...maybe that makes me childish. Or makes me oober only-childish....But its just who I am and what I enjoy...

6. I will prob. never watch Grey's Anatomy again after the season finale....I was so emotionally spent after those 2 hours that I had to watch Glee and sew to get out of such a sad mood.

7. It is camp time again. A part of me really regrets not doing that again, despite vowing I never would after last summer. I won't miss the early mornings and significant lack of sleep. I will miss loving on those kids and working with incredible people.

8. T-minus 8 days until I make the trek to Fort Worth. I just can't wait.

9. I want to live in such a way that inspires life and creativity and beauty...things I've been thinking about lately

That's all for now...I should probably begin packing...that might take a while...

Life List 2010

I realize we are halfway through May but I love making lists and I say its never too late to set some goals. I've been able to be crafty here lately and would really like to set some creative goals for myself in 2010. So here are a few:

-make business cards. they will prob. resemble calling cards because I havent thought of a name for a "business" and I want to offer my sewing stuff, etc with my photography. I don't know if those can go on the same card. Photographer and designer? What's kosher in the business world? I drew some sketches and think I have a design figured out. I'm pretty pumped. Anyone know where I can get brown recycled card stock?

-create a website. I don't even know where to begin with this other than talking to people who know what they're doing in this dept. But it's becoming more and more necessary.

-create a "name" for myself creatively, both with my photography and my other crafty endeavors. With the latter, I have a ways to go to offer professional, sellable items. I try very hard with gifts but sometimes the imperfections add character. maybe not but I don't want to half do anything.

-by the beginning of the new year, open an etsy store and add 5 new items at a time, maybe once a month. Specifics to this goal will develop as the year goes along.

-participate in one craft show. This will hopefully be a good gauge of how the public responds to the things I can offer. It may be a good way to show me that I should stick to photography and making things as gifts. but it could prove to be a nice side business.

-really develop myself as a photographer and what I can offer. focus on marketing and pricing and really becoming serious about what I love. It may not be in the arena I want to eventually be as a photographer, but its a nice place to start. we'll see.

I've never really set such specific goals for myself creatively. a little overwhelming but exciting too. so let's look at this realistically. For summer 2010, here are specific goals:

1. design and print business cards

2. launch website by end of summer

3. sew Africa quilt

4. read 3 books, maybe more : )

*the last one is one of my for fun goals of summer...oh believe me, there is more where that came from!

I've got the rambles, but what's new...here are some other cool things:

-I have fallen in love with these things called photoshop brushes. i think one more creative goal would be to learn how to make my own by the end of the year. i've been on a downloading frenzy. so fun and i can't wait to get the hand of how to use them properly. one thing that excites me so much are the packaging options laid before me...i just don't have much to package these days

-i shot my first wedding last friday. i have never sweated so hard. what an incredible couple to work with on my first job. it actually took me a few days before I would actually look at the images. i don't know if I'm cut out to be a wedding photographer. but maybe it is one of those things where you just gotta keep going and learning with each step and fall. I have lots to learn about that business. but I never anticipated such compliments about the engagement and bridal stuff I did for them. it really took me back and blessed me like whoa. someone once told me to never doubt that my art matters. its still hard to not question that. i dont know, it just felt really good to hear. also, reasons I have really started taking into consideration a need for business cards and a website. finding a spare sheet of paper can be hard sometimes. i'm really looking forward to the possibilities that lay ahead.

-let's just go ahead and put this on the table. year 2 of working at this job is going to be so different than this past one. i think it will be good but i am gonna be so busy. i'm excited. there are so many changes taking place in so many areas of life with this job...in the next few days, I will know where I will be living and that may even be different than now. new co-workers. new rules. yep, lots of change.

-i have to start packing tomorrow so it doesn't all pile up on me sunday. i also start summer school next week. eek. in two weeks I will be in texas, praise the Lord. and then a week later at home...PRAISE THE LORD.

Father, thank you for life. even for the busyness. even for the pain. it makes me stronger, even if its through brokenness. thank you for amazing family. and friends. thank you for loving me. and letting others love me. thank you for teaching me ways to loosen my grip on the many things i hold onto too tight. i give all this future stuff to you. You have a plan. I know and trust that. Let me rest in it. I love you more than anything. ~daughter

It's the simple things...

that make me smile. Here are just a few that have made my life brighter recently:

1. Taking a nap in sheets straight out of the dryer. Like I did on Saturday.

2. Having my whole room smell like freshly baking cake. Like yesterday.

3. Knowing that in less than a month I get to visit my aunts in Texas. Even though I've been at different times during the year, it will be the first summer since 2007. Before that, I had gone every summer since I was 12. Simply put, I can't wait.

4. Walking past leather bags and mentally checking out and going back to Italy and walking through the market stalls. Like I did today in TJ Maxx. *I can't wait to go back. I don't know when but I think it may be sooner than I had prepared...I love to think about the possibilities my God has planned*

5. Smelling honeysuckle when I roll my car windows down. Like I did today at the bank.

6. Going to the post office to send special packages. Like I will tomorrow.

7. I have made it a nightly habit after I sign my floor in to go sit outside on the steps in front of the school. To breathe in the fresh air. To close my eyes and soak it up. To literally feel my mind get lighter as I spend time in silence with my God.

8. Those first few chews of Juicy Fruit gum. Like I took last night.

Those are just a few things that I have clung to over the past few days. They make any heaviness I may have seem irrelevant for a time. I've been keeping myself quite busy these days which I suppose is a good thing. Looking forward to some busy but exciting few days ahead. I am off for 3 days! The next time I am off, it will be for good, for the summer.

A summer that holds more business than any other summer since 2007. I think it will be fun, amongst other things!

Ran across this on stumble upon:

Couldn't have said it better.

Just wanted to share. Someone else said exactly what I learn on a daily basis.

and have to re-learn sometimes.

Just thought this was great.

23.

Something has changed. Perhaps this new daily thing I've been trying where I remind myself "Jordan, stop the thoughts before they start. You have the choice to not be that person."

I can't tell you the exact day I started caring so much of what people thought about me that I start changing things to please them. That, my friends, is always a lose lose situation.

The day I allow my value to be determined by another person's thoughts is the day all things are wrong. Because that is the day expectations arise; the day I make it easy for people to walk all over me AND take advantage of me; the day I lose sight of the One in whom my value is in to begin with.

I've met that day on occasion. I don't know what the last three weeks has been about but geez, enough already, self.

I've heard it is possible to speak things into being. I've done that before, I think. And if I didn't recognize where that is almost the case again, I would be setting myself up for so much pain again. Thank you Jesus for removing the veil I slipped over my eyes.

I don't want to go back to therapy.

I am thankful for what I learned and I refer back to those things often.

And I don't say I don't want to return out of a denying that I need to go. Half if not most the stuff I struggle with is self imposed, even if I don't realize it at the time.

I think I will always want to be a better version of me in the sense that I always want to be one capable of change. But I can't do what I've been doing.

It's like acknowledging that I can not be perfect for everyone, but setting that aside and trying anyway. That just sets me up for failure and pisses other people off at the same time.

I still want to be a good friend. I still want to do good. I love to serve people. And even though I didn't realize it at the time, so much of that last semester carried with it expectations. I am thankful the Lord showed me that that needed to change. I don't do in expectation anymore.

But tell me this...are all expectations wrong? I feel like they will most likely end in some kind of pain, somewhere along the line. But there must be a balance.

Sometimes, I just want to be small. And held. And have my hand held. But I guess I have to realize I can't have those things anymore. Does the acceptance of adulthood mean fully relinquishing those desires?

Sometimes, I just want to go home. And even though its that dance of being a grownup but in a Home where I have the freedom to be a child, at least I have that option.

And not a "let me act immature" kind of child-like state. An "its ok to curl up and be held and know that everything is going to be ok" way.

But until I get to go home again, those things will have to wait.

And sometimes, I still want to know I matter. That I'm doing ok at life. That I am making a difference. I think at one point I thought I deserved to hear those things. But recently it hit me: I have to live a life that exemplifies those things and even then, I may never verbally hear them. In a way, it kindof goes back to speaking things into existence. For some time, I have spoken negatives things into existence. That gets so old. And I believe actions can will things and feelings into existence.

Even the best intentions can fall short.

Trying so much only results in overcompensation.

Trying to be sure only gets old. There has to be trust at some point.

Even though I've been saying it for months, at some point I have to stop and believe who I am is enough.

I matter, did you know that? My God told me so.

I can never be all that you may want me to be. I will let you down. And probably again after that. I may even hurt you. I never want to. But I hope that doesn't disqualify me from being in your life. I speak that to you all. And know that the love I have is deep. I can't help that I love so deeply. But I do wish I could make it be not such a harsh form of loving.

Change is ever swirling around me. But thus is life.

I am now 23.

Back to the drawing boards of trying to just be. Trying to live is enough. Much less tossing so much on my self and my need to always do and fix. A lesson I learned in therapy.

I don't speak promises of things I expect my friends to see as change. Its like an emotional drug. I've had people I love so dearly struggle with big issues. With drugs, for example, I've seen them be good for a while but then go back then get clean then fall back. After a while, you want to get excited when they sober up but you have no expectations that it will stick. All you can do is pray. I think I've become that for people close to me. Please don't give up on me.

But I make these changes not for you friends. I have to start doing this for my God and myself.

I have to love myself. That's hard enough.

In other news:

1. I get to be apart of an art show in Hot Springs tomorrow night. My first in this community. I am excited actually. I really have no idea what it will be like and feel kind of weird because I'm just gonna be there amongst all these well established artists. But I want to have confidence in who I am to mingle with these people.

2. Summer is 2 weeks away. I can't wait.

3. A week from tomorrow, I will photograph my first wedding. And get to be with some friends I haven't seen in a while. I can't wait.

4. I am so proud of some people in my life right now. Graduating. Getting awesome jobs. Going abroad. I have amazing people in my life who are just incredible beings. I'm so lucky.

5. I finished my first quilt. Happy graduation sis. Proud of you.

6. My room is the filthiest it has ever been. I should be cleaning it or sleeping right now instead of doing this. But this is more fun.

7. I would love to go swimming everyday. I've been really wanting to do that lately. The weather has just been so beautiful.

8. While I certainly don't need another hobby, I found an at home letterpress system. My heart went a flutter. I don't think people will ever understand what it means for me to create. The act of creating something is a part of who I am. How I love. Like another language to me. I have so enjoyed doing that lately.