The past few weeks...

I've just been hearing,

"It would've been better if you had just moved away after college. Far away...

because after all, you're a better long distance friend anyway.

You can't hurt people that way. You can love and it be just the right amount;

not too much, not too less. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder.

That way you would be fond to the people around you, not less than desirable or the wrong

person for the job."

And in my heart of hearts, I just pray thats not true. But thats something I just can't stand upon at this moment. But you better believe I'm fighting to find out.

Because I should be mush by now..not half way to stone cold.

Back up, but how far?

Stay close, but how close?

It's too much sometimes. I don't know what to follow.

See, you would be better off on the other side of the world.

Screw you enemy. I thought I was right where I'm supposed to be.

I feel like one of those people who break something with every turn.

How can I be that clumsy but with people I love?

I seem to be doing that a lot lately. To so many.

Perhaps I need to go away for a while to figure this stuff out and then come back...

oh but wait, where would that be?

Someone from home died today. He was grown and I was friends with his kids when I was younger. Don't know the last time I saw him. But it shook me.

Life is too precious to keep messing it up all the time, Jordan.

I tuck this away everyday like change in my pocket. This weight. These thoughts.

I just needed to let it air out for right now.

I can't tell you how many people have said, "Stop being so hard on yourself."

I know I can't be perfect.

I know I will disappoint.

I know I will mess up.

But it's not easy to stop being hard on yourself when you know you keep messing up. To feel like somehow, each next step is the wrong one. Too far, or not far enough.

And how I do that, I will never know. I'm NOT stupid.

But seriously, what am I missing?

Dear friends, thank you for keeping me. Sometimes I don't know why you do.

I can offer change but I feel like I just keep changing. I just want to be me, even though I'm still becoming.

Until then, I just want to hide.

Precious God, I know have something to offer this world.

I pray this only a season like all the others...a time for this, a time for that. But this. This is an all too familiar feeling. Good thing I've learned how to fight. Just gotta keep at it.

I'm trying. Slipping a little bit right now. But not giving up. This isn't who I was. This isn't who I'm becoming.

Hardened a little? Maybe. Where are my hammers when I need them?

Why do I harden? I think when I feel my best isn't even enough. When my love isn't strong enough to do the day to day.

On the flip side, I danced on Saturday night. For the first time in a while. Remember? Once Broken. That's gotta mean something. Even if I physically do it, there has to be some inner truth there too.

That part of me is going to dance soon. I just know it.

In my heart, right now, though it a little hard, that makes for excellent river dance foundation.

Maybe I can dance away the stone and dance away the self doubt and questioning.

And one day, it will be graceful again.