I'm off for 3 days in a row which is kind of awesome. Today is probably the only day I was able to get out of Hot Springs.

I went to Little Rock. Good food. Good movie. With good friends. I just really enjoyed an evening with the girls. So as we're waiting for our movie to start this song comes on the overhead speaker. It's called "Hold My Heart" by Sara Bareilles. The title was a saying I know well and made me wanted to look up the lyrics...because how can you really pay attention to the lyrics of a song in a crowded movie theater? Here they are:

I never meant to be the one to let you down
If anything, I thought I saw myself going first
I didn't know how to stick around
How to see anybody but me be getting hurt

I keep remembering the summer night
And the conversation breaking up the mood
I didn't want to tell you you were right
Like the season changing, oh, I felt it too

Does anybody know how to hold my heart
How to hold my heart?
'Cause I don't want to let go, let go, let go too soon

I want to tell you so before the sun goes dark
How to hold my heart
'Cause I don't want to let go, let go, let go of you

I'm not the kind to try to tell you lies
But the truth is you've been hiding from it too
I see the end sneaking in behind your eyes

Saying everything no words could ever do

Does anybody know how to hold my heart
How to hold my heart?
'Cause I don't want to let go, let go, let go too soon

I want to tell you so before the sun goes dark
How to hold my heart
'Cause I don't want to let go, let go, let go of you

Is anybody listening?
'Cause I'm crying
Is anybody listening?

Does anybody know how to hold my heart
How to hold my heart?
'Cause I don't want to let go, let go, let go too soon

I want to tell you so before the sun goes dark
How to hold my heart
'Cause I don't want to let go, let go, let go of you

They struck me. Very profound. I dunno, maybe its just the day or what but it made me a little emotional. And let me tell you...that doesn't happen that often these days.

I can't live in my head or thoughts like I used to. I don't sit around and dwell or analyze like I once did. I literally can't live like that. That doesn't mean that I don't still think. I would hope no one would want to be friends with a person that just doesn't think. But just because I don't spend my quiet moments in deep analysis of self or situation, doesn't mean I don't recognize my shortcomings and where I can do better or when I fail, in action or words.

Alas, its a day by day thing. Well life is that way anyway. We are not promised tomorrow or minutes from now even. Too short to waste. To not be the best us. I don't know that I or anyone else will "arrive". But heck if I won't keep trying to be the woman my God desires me to be.

So this is what just being looks like? I've been working on that literally for years.

These days life is different. In a good way. Of course we all have ups and downs. Tis life.

The Lord has brought us all through a lot. He's so faithful like that.

Inspiration.

I love love this blog:

http://abeautifulmess.typepad.com/my_weblog/2010/11/sister-love.html

I have been following Elsie's blog since I was a freshman in college. I am so inspired that she and her sister went after their dream and made it a reality.

It just really inspires me that I can too, ya know?

They also seem to have a really beautiful sisterhood. And that blesses me.

A close friend of mine played me this song today and said it reminded her of me. It's called "Roll Away Your Stone" by Mumford and Sons. When she played it for me, this part kindof bowled me over:

It seems that all my bridges have been burned
But you say 'That's exactly how this grace thing works’
It's not the long walk home that will change this heart
But the welcome I receive with every start

My favorite is the first 2 lines...How incredible beautiful is that?! I want to show that kindof grace. I feel that is one of the main things that keeps some of my closest friendships going.

That even in their darkest times, there is this grace thing that is a canopy.

I am so undeserving of that from my God, but He extends it anyway.

I love that I have friends who want to be more like Him.

I hope that is an example that I too can live under.

Not Giving Up

Last year I met this girl named Rachel.

Fun, full of life. An artist. A teacher. Someone I remember looking forward to knowing more.

Life got busy. Summer came and went. I saw her in passing at church a few weeks ago and remember saying to myself "I'll catch her next week."

Two weeks ago this Wednesday, she had a horrible migraine that left her seeing stars. She went to the doctor and they discovered a golf ball sized tumor in her brain. The doctor at UAMS literally had her surgery planned by the time she got there for her second appointment.

She is now in a long recovery process. She can't take any medicine that would affect her brain so that crosses out almost all pain medicine. And they still don't know if what she had was cancerous or will require some form of chemo. She has literally been through hell and back in less than 2 weeks.

As her friend told me the story this morning, I just wanted to cry. Acknowledging how precious this life is has never been so real. Understanding that we are literally given only so much time on this earth before we spend eternity with our Maker hasn't hit this hard in a while.

And what's more, it made me really take a second look at how precious the people are in my life. What if that was them? If they went into surgery, unsure of its success, would I be left wishing I had treating them better and loved them harder and let the small things go? Would I have wished I'd prayed against built up hostility that could've been resolved if we just talked, even if that made things hard for a bit?

It makes me want to fight for the things in my life I've wanted to let go of and run far away from.

It makes me want to make right things I know are currently not ok.

It makes me ridiculously thankful for each of you.

The Lord is so faithful, knowing what we need and when. This tumor with Rachel was no surprise. He really does have a beautiful plan. Please pray for her as she recovers from this surgery both physically and emotionally.

Don't run away from what really matters. Don't give up.

Fight.

And love harder than you ever have. Because before you know it, that love could be ice cold and you may not have a chance to let your God melt away the frigidness for you to tell the people that matter that they do.

Recent Things:

1. I'm moving back to Conway tomorrow. It's been a year since I've lived there and not just visited. This could be a really fun endeavor. Or not so much. I'm praying for the former. I like the city and think the 5 weeks I spend there will be great.

2. I have a love of paper and packaging. Do you ever have loves that you don't know what to do with? Who knows where that will take me, if anywhere besides enjoying writing letters and sending them in fun envelopes. But some people make their living creating stationary...I've never considered this an option but may be I will start.

3. I went out dancing with some friends last night and had the best time. Only once before have I been to the Electric Cowboy..and after an hour that first time, I was exhausted...I left so baffled, unsure of how we had dance parties what seemed like every weekend last year...but last night, I left overjoyed that after 3 hours of dancing, I could've kept going. Once I got over that first hour, I was good to go...I haven't lost my dancing stamina! : ) what a relief...

4. However, crawling into bed at 4 am wasn't the best idea since I had to get up at 8am to do engagement pictures. I really enjoy doing engagement pictures and finding fun, unique locations to do them...Most of the time, it is really sweet to see 2 people in love interact...other times it is just nauseating...if I'm just being honest...but I like feeling like I am getting the hang of this stuff...

5. I read on someone's blog about a picnic club...isn't that a fantastic idea? Things I want to do at some point. And I still have hopes of building a magical fort...ever want to surprise me? build a fort....or make brownies....or write me a letter....quality time is a gem...reasons I think I'll hopefully be a good mother one day....I love those things...maybe that makes me childish. Or makes me oober only-childish....But its just who I am and what I enjoy...

6. I will prob. never watch Grey's Anatomy again after the season finale....I was so emotionally spent after those 2 hours that I had to watch Glee and sew to get out of such a sad mood.

7. It is camp time again. A part of me really regrets not doing that again, despite vowing I never would after last summer. I won't miss the early mornings and significant lack of sleep. I will miss loving on those kids and working with incredible people.

8. T-minus 8 days until I make the trek to Fort Worth. I just can't wait.

9. I want to live in such a way that inspires life and creativity and beauty...things I've been thinking about lately

That's all for now...I should probably begin packing...that might take a while...

Life List 2010

I realize we are halfway through May but I love making lists and I say its never too late to set some goals. I've been able to be crafty here lately and would really like to set some creative goals for myself in 2010. So here are a few:

-make business cards. they will prob. resemble calling cards because I havent thought of a name for a "business" and I want to offer my sewing stuff, etc with my photography. I don't know if those can go on the same card. Photographer and designer? What's kosher in the business world? I drew some sketches and think I have a design figured out. I'm pretty pumped. Anyone know where I can get brown recycled card stock?

-create a website. I don't even know where to begin with this other than talking to people who know what they're doing in this dept. But it's becoming more and more necessary.

-create a "name" for myself creatively, both with my photography and my other crafty endeavors. With the latter, I have a ways to go to offer professional, sellable items. I try very hard with gifts but sometimes the imperfections add character. maybe not but I don't want to half do anything.

-by the beginning of the new year, open an etsy store and add 5 new items at a time, maybe once a month. Specifics to this goal will develop as the year goes along.

-participate in one craft show. This will hopefully be a good gauge of how the public responds to the things I can offer. It may be a good way to show me that I should stick to photography and making things as gifts. but it could prove to be a nice side business.

-really develop myself as a photographer and what I can offer. focus on marketing and pricing and really becoming serious about what I love. It may not be in the arena I want to eventually be as a photographer, but its a nice place to start. we'll see.

I've never really set such specific goals for myself creatively. a little overwhelming but exciting too. so let's look at this realistically. For summer 2010, here are specific goals:

1. design and print business cards

2. launch website by end of summer

3. sew Africa quilt

4. read 3 books, maybe more : )

*the last one is one of my for fun goals of summer...oh believe me, there is more where that came from!

I've got the rambles, but what's new...here are some other cool things:

-I have fallen in love with these things called photoshop brushes. i think one more creative goal would be to learn how to make my own by the end of the year. i've been on a downloading frenzy. so fun and i can't wait to get the hand of how to use them properly. one thing that excites me so much are the packaging options laid before me...i just don't have much to package these days

-i shot my first wedding last friday. i have never sweated so hard. what an incredible couple to work with on my first job. it actually took me a few days before I would actually look at the images. i don't know if I'm cut out to be a wedding photographer. but maybe it is one of those things where you just gotta keep going and learning with each step and fall. I have lots to learn about that business. but I never anticipated such compliments about the engagement and bridal stuff I did for them. it really took me back and blessed me like whoa. someone once told me to never doubt that my art matters. its still hard to not question that. i dont know, it just felt really good to hear. also, reasons I have really started taking into consideration a need for business cards and a website. finding a spare sheet of paper can be hard sometimes. i'm really looking forward to the possibilities that lay ahead.

-let's just go ahead and put this on the table. year 2 of working at this job is going to be so different than this past one. i think it will be good but i am gonna be so busy. i'm excited. there are so many changes taking place in so many areas of life with this job...in the next few days, I will know where I will be living and that may even be different than now. new co-workers. new rules. yep, lots of change.

-i have to start packing tomorrow so it doesn't all pile up on me sunday. i also start summer school next week. eek. in two weeks I will be in texas, praise the Lord. and then a week later at home...PRAISE THE LORD.

Father, thank you for life. even for the busyness. even for the pain. it makes me stronger, even if its through brokenness. thank you for amazing family. and friends. thank you for loving me. and letting others love me. thank you for teaching me ways to loosen my grip on the many things i hold onto too tight. i give all this future stuff to you. You have a plan. I know and trust that. Let me rest in it. I love you more than anything. ~daughter

It's the simple things...

that make me smile. Here are just a few that have made my life brighter recently:

1. Taking a nap in sheets straight out of the dryer. Like I did on Saturday.

2. Having my whole room smell like freshly baking cake. Like yesterday.

3. Knowing that in less than a month I get to visit my aunts in Texas. Even though I've been at different times during the year, it will be the first summer since 2007. Before that, I had gone every summer since I was 12. Simply put, I can't wait.

4. Walking past leather bags and mentally checking out and going back to Italy and walking through the market stalls. Like I did today in TJ Maxx. *I can't wait to go back. I don't know when but I think it may be sooner than I had prepared...I love to think about the possibilities my God has planned*

5. Smelling honeysuckle when I roll my car windows down. Like I did today at the bank.

6. Going to the post office to send special packages. Like I will tomorrow.

7. I have made it a nightly habit after I sign my floor in to go sit outside on the steps in front of the school. To breathe in the fresh air. To close my eyes and soak it up. To literally feel my mind get lighter as I spend time in silence with my God.

8. Those first few chews of Juicy Fruit gum. Like I took last night.

Those are just a few things that I have clung to over the past few days. They make any heaviness I may have seem irrelevant for a time. I've been keeping myself quite busy these days which I suppose is a good thing. Looking forward to some busy but exciting few days ahead. I am off for 3 days! The next time I am off, it will be for good, for the summer.

A summer that holds more business than any other summer since 2007. I think it will be fun, amongst other things!

Ran across this on stumble upon:

Couldn't have said it better.

Just wanted to share. Someone else said exactly what I learn on a daily basis.

and have to re-learn sometimes.

Just thought this was great.

23.

Something has changed. Perhaps this new daily thing I've been trying where I remind myself "Jordan, stop the thoughts before they start. You have the choice to not be that person."

I can't tell you the exact day I started caring so much of what people thought about me that I start changing things to please them. That, my friends, is always a lose lose situation.

The day I allow my value to be determined by another person's thoughts is the day all things are wrong. Because that is the day expectations arise; the day I make it easy for people to walk all over me AND take advantage of me; the day I lose sight of the One in whom my value is in to begin with.

I've met that day on occasion. I don't know what the last three weeks has been about but geez, enough already, self.

I've heard it is possible to speak things into being. I've done that before, I think. And if I didn't recognize where that is almost the case again, I would be setting myself up for so much pain again. Thank you Jesus for removing the veil I slipped over my eyes.

I don't want to go back to therapy.

I am thankful for what I learned and I refer back to those things often.

And I don't say I don't want to return out of a denying that I need to go. Half if not most the stuff I struggle with is self imposed, even if I don't realize it at the time.

I think I will always want to be a better version of me in the sense that I always want to be one capable of change. But I can't do what I've been doing.

It's like acknowledging that I can not be perfect for everyone, but setting that aside and trying anyway. That just sets me up for failure and pisses other people off at the same time.

I still want to be a good friend. I still want to do good. I love to serve people. And even though I didn't realize it at the time, so much of that last semester carried with it expectations. I am thankful the Lord showed me that that needed to change. I don't do in expectation anymore.

But tell me this...are all expectations wrong? I feel like they will most likely end in some kind of pain, somewhere along the line. But there must be a balance.

Sometimes, I just want to be small. And held. And have my hand held. But I guess I have to realize I can't have those things anymore. Does the acceptance of adulthood mean fully relinquishing those desires?

Sometimes, I just want to go home. And even though its that dance of being a grownup but in a Home where I have the freedom to be a child, at least I have that option.

And not a "let me act immature" kind of child-like state. An "its ok to curl up and be held and know that everything is going to be ok" way.

But until I get to go home again, those things will have to wait.

And sometimes, I still want to know I matter. That I'm doing ok at life. That I am making a difference. I think at one point I thought I deserved to hear those things. But recently it hit me: I have to live a life that exemplifies those things and even then, I may never verbally hear them. In a way, it kindof goes back to speaking things into existence. For some time, I have spoken negatives things into existence. That gets so old. And I believe actions can will things and feelings into existence.

Even the best intentions can fall short.

Trying so much only results in overcompensation.

Trying to be sure only gets old. There has to be trust at some point.

Even though I've been saying it for months, at some point I have to stop and believe who I am is enough.

I matter, did you know that? My God told me so.

I can never be all that you may want me to be. I will let you down. And probably again after that. I may even hurt you. I never want to. But I hope that doesn't disqualify me from being in your life. I speak that to you all. And know that the love I have is deep. I can't help that I love so deeply. But I do wish I could make it be not such a harsh form of loving.

Change is ever swirling around me. But thus is life.

I am now 23.

Back to the drawing boards of trying to just be. Trying to live is enough. Much less tossing so much on my self and my need to always do and fix. A lesson I learned in therapy.

I don't speak promises of things I expect my friends to see as change. Its like an emotional drug. I've had people I love so dearly struggle with big issues. With drugs, for example, I've seen them be good for a while but then go back then get clean then fall back. After a while, you want to get excited when they sober up but you have no expectations that it will stick. All you can do is pray. I think I've become that for people close to me. Please don't give up on me.

But I make these changes not for you friends. I have to start doing this for my God and myself.

I have to love myself. That's hard enough.

In other news:

1. I get to be apart of an art show in Hot Springs tomorrow night. My first in this community. I am excited actually. I really have no idea what it will be like and feel kind of weird because I'm just gonna be there amongst all these well established artists. But I want to have confidence in who I am to mingle with these people.

2. Summer is 2 weeks away. I can't wait.

3. A week from tomorrow, I will photograph my first wedding. And get to be with some friends I haven't seen in a while. I can't wait.

4. I am so proud of some people in my life right now. Graduating. Getting awesome jobs. Going abroad. I have amazing people in my life who are just incredible beings. I'm so lucky.

5. I finished my first quilt. Happy graduation sis. Proud of you.

6. My room is the filthiest it has ever been. I should be cleaning it or sleeping right now instead of doing this. But this is more fun.

7. I would love to go swimming everyday. I've been really wanting to do that lately. The weather has just been so beautiful.

8. While I certainly don't need another hobby, I found an at home letterpress system. My heart went a flutter. I don't think people will ever understand what it means for me to create. The act of creating something is a part of who I am. How I love. Like another language to me. I have so enjoyed doing that lately.

Rambles..

a lot can change in a year.

my 4th floor room is a disaster. i forsee cleanage next week.

tomorrow is going to be so busy.

i think i will buy a hammock on saturday for myself. I'm really pumped and plan to take it to the lake when I get to Conway.

the song "nothing on you" by b.o.b. is a new fave..i've been dancing my heart out in my room. alot.

i get to meet a bunch of women tomorrow that I will be getting to know and photographing over the next year. i'm so excited to get to know them.

been reading a lot of good stuff lately. this verse came out in my readings the other day:

Matthew 12:34--> "..For the mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart." (or out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks...)

I've been pondering that. How that applies to my own life. What I speak into the universe, what I deal with on the inside. What I speak to my God. To people.

Gossip was one of the most hurtful things I ever dealt with growing up. It should not be a part of my grownup life. I feel shame for the times I know I commit this hurt, especially since I experience such pain even as a grownup.

Grownup? puh...thats an overstatement i assure you.

i will be 23 on saturday. i am so thankful for life.

and in this moment, i just want to go home. there holds something that here does not. my parents. home has a loyalty and familiarity. i don't feel those things here all the time. a place that certainly has had no absence of hurt and pain. a place that love has sustained much.

love. what a word.

assumptions. those are a down fall of mine. i can get so worked up only to snap to it and realized i've cried over something i just figure will be the case. even as i type, i carry assumptions in my heart. i've been reading more of this book called the Battlefield of the Mind. It holds a lot of those light bulb phrases that have made me realize a lot in my heart.

but while this all sounds like i've been living in my head a lot, the latter part of this week has been ok. not like last week.

but i can assure you friends, any negative or venting or anger you may ever have with me? it has already crossed my mind...prob. times 10...i find myself constantly trying to be..something...a better person, friend..it hit me the either day....

who is it telling me i have to be that? and for whom am i trying so hard? There is One I should so diligently try for...not to win the love of man...

im ready for the summer.

found out that hanson is coming to Memphis is August...i will be buying tickets in the morning. it's ok, you can judge. 12 year old me is real excited though.

after a presentation i do on monday, i will have completed my first semester of grad school. it turned out a lot differently than planned, but i was thankful for that one class.

life....

Must've been the day...

We all have those days, ya know?

Just because today is a good day doesn't mean rough days aren't going to come.

I read this quote by Dr. Seuss:

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

It was one of those smile things that made me feel ok.

I don't know how to not care about the things I wrote about yesterday without that equaling more hardness.

Not care=not feeling=walls up=hard as stone

Balance.

I'm working on it.

E.E. Cummings said:

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."

I want to be brave and not afraid. I don't know why I get so fearful that the me I'm becoming will be a person people don't like. I don't know why I can't not care.

But its exhausting. I feel like I'm relearning what I had down for a little while but then lost.

I think too much. And it drains the living mess out of me.

But I don't want it to be hard work to be my friend.

I've been told that love really isn't all you need. That that doesn't sustain a relationship. That more has to be there.

I think I believe that more everyday.

And I don't know what to do about that.

Love has be a driving force that seems to keep a lot going these days. But I'm not so sure that is enough. And it is when I question that, that I freak out a little. Because love isn't the absence of hurt or pain or difficult times. But is it enough to sustain through that?

I hope so.

I find myself hoping a lot lately.

I once asked someone who told me to start hoping instead of fearing "But then aren't you setting yourself up for heartache?"

She said, "Sweetie, don't you already have heartache?"

Touche.

Not that one should hope with expectation. I learned a while back that expectations will only disappoint you.

Maybe its more about faith.

All that to say, I realize the heaviness of yesterday's post. And I'm starting to question if I've ever been a "light" person. Things I don't know.

But I do know that I wrote a lot last semester out of hurting. I don't think I'm hurting. Just sorting through the chaos of my mind. Because I feel like my life is all over the place, literally and figuratively. It was bound to pour out of my brain at some point. That was yesterday.

But this is now. A new day. Still with little resolution and lots of reservations.

Reservations that I guess are self-imposed. Reservations on being, because that doesn't seem to be enough. Not needing anything but understanding of my mind.

How will I understand if I don't weed through what's worth thinking about to begin with.

After all, thats the point of this blog for me. To weed out and ramble aloud.

The past few weeks...

I've just been hearing,

"It would've been better if you had just moved away after college. Far away...

because after all, you're a better long distance friend anyway.

You can't hurt people that way. You can love and it be just the right amount;

not too much, not too less. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder.

That way you would be fond to the people around you, not less than desirable or the wrong

person for the job."

And in my heart of hearts, I just pray thats not true. But thats something I just can't stand upon at this moment. But you better believe I'm fighting to find out.

Because I should be mush by now..not half way to stone cold.

Back up, but how far?

Stay close, but how close?

It's too much sometimes. I don't know what to follow.

See, you would be better off on the other side of the world.

Screw you enemy. I thought I was right where I'm supposed to be.

I feel like one of those people who break something with every turn.

How can I be that clumsy but with people I love?

I seem to be doing that a lot lately. To so many.

Perhaps I need to go away for a while to figure this stuff out and then come back...

oh but wait, where would that be?

Someone from home died today. He was grown and I was friends with his kids when I was younger. Don't know the last time I saw him. But it shook me.

Life is too precious to keep messing it up all the time, Jordan.

I tuck this away everyday like change in my pocket. This weight. These thoughts.

I just needed to let it air out for right now.

I can't tell you how many people have said, "Stop being so hard on yourself."

I know I can't be perfect.

I know I will disappoint.

I know I will mess up.

But it's not easy to stop being hard on yourself when you know you keep messing up. To feel like somehow, each next step is the wrong one. Too far, or not far enough.

And how I do that, I will never know. I'm NOT stupid.

But seriously, what am I missing?

Dear friends, thank you for keeping me. Sometimes I don't know why you do.

I can offer change but I feel like I just keep changing. I just want to be me, even though I'm still becoming.

Until then, I just want to hide.

Precious God, I know have something to offer this world.

I pray this only a season like all the others...a time for this, a time for that. But this. This is an all too familiar feeling. Good thing I've learned how to fight. Just gotta keep at it.

I'm trying. Slipping a little bit right now. But not giving up. This isn't who I was. This isn't who I'm becoming.

Hardened a little? Maybe. Where are my hammers when I need them?

Why do I harden? I think when I feel my best isn't even enough. When my love isn't strong enough to do the day to day.

On the flip side, I danced on Saturday night. For the first time in a while. Remember? Once Broken. That's gotta mean something. Even if I physically do it, there has to be some inner truth there too.

That part of me is going to dance soon. I just know it.

In my heart, right now, though it a little hard, that makes for excellent river dance foundation.

Maybe I can dance away the stone and dance away the self doubt and questioning.

And one day, it will be graceful again.

Just for Rambles...

It was a GORGEOUS Monday. I just so happened to be off.

Skipping class this morning seemed like the best choice. I was still up by 8:30 and got stuff done.

When I got to Little Rock, I went to the park by the Arts Center where my afternoon class is. I took a towel to lay on and I read.

I also embroidered for the first time in a long time. My nana taught me before she went to Heaven. It felt perfectly natural in my imperfect way of trying to figure out my creative process and getting back into the swing of it.

After class, the cool breeze and sunny spot in the grass were too appealing to drive away from. So I read some more.

I got 3 books in the mail today. I love books. And I love mail. One of the books I got is called "The Poor will be Glad". Its about micro finance and a way of teaching sustainable ways of living to impoverished parts of our world. The statistics are humbling and astonishing.

I've been thinking a lot about this idea of "changing the world". Where does one even begin with that? Can one even do that? That's quite a big task.

I do want to make a lasting impact on this earth for my God. But don't ask how I want or plan to do that. I will have no answer for you. I wish I knew what I was supposed to be doing with my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah...I'm supposed to be here. In Hot Springs. I really am trying to let that be enough.

This job comes with a beautiful gift of free time that can be used to be super productive...I want to use that time. Sometimes I wonder if the things I can offer even matter? I feel way to all over the place to commit also...that is a problem my friends...the older I get, I feel more and more non-commital to everything...I do NOT want to be like that...

I want to build a fort. I see all these awesome forts that people build online (yes, grown-ups do this sometimes...). I don't know why that's appealing. Maybe its a way of reviving the child in my heart that feels pretty caged these days.

Today when I was laying in the grass after class, I had to literally restrain myself from just running over all the grass...it was just open space..I just seemed to beckon "please come run through me and IMAGINE"...I have friends that would call this the only child in me...and thats ok because that was my childhood. Empty spaces that became exotic lands far off....I don't want to ever lose that.

Does that make me immature? Childish? Foolish even?

I really wished I could have had someone there to enjoy that with me. Maybe that is something that has changed since my childhood.

Today was one of those days I wanted to roll down my windows. I wish I had.

I can't write on plain white paper. Well, I can, but I don't like to. I need lines. Isn't that weird for a person who likes to be creative?

I submitted a piece of photography that is one of my favorites into a local art exhibit. It's just a one night exhibit about celebrating women.

I got in!

It isn't a big deal but I am excited to be a part of this community. It felt really good that someone thought my art was good enough to be there. ...it isn't often that I feel what I do matters...but it just has to somewhere, right? I think it matters to my family. And some of my friends.

Why would God give me something, be it ever so small, without having some kind of purpose?

There just has to be a purpose. I choose to cling to that.

I move from 4th floor to 2nd floor tomorrow. I will get the opportunity to have close community with a new group of great girls. I think it is going to be good, even though I will miss my 4th floor girls in such a close capacity.

A Milli just came on my itunes. This song brings back a ton of memories from last year.

I just want to dance. Let's be honest. I do that in my room. Not as fun without people. Except when I want to try out new moves. Thats always best in private so I don't make a fool, even though I guess technically I do that in public...lol

Now I'm on a Boat just came on....oh, good times...I remember dance circles. And playing in a down pour. And having reasons to get dressed up. Ah, Malibu.

Yes, those were good times.

But so are these. So are these.

I'm going to prom on Saturday. I'm pumped.

I found out that I probably wont get to take a photo class this summer. I am hoping for a job while I'm still in Conway. There are some other things I hope to do. Like make colored pancakes. And at some point, I will watch the sunrise/sunset from the roof...And I want to take Rummi to the park. And swim in the lake. I've never just had a summer to be with friends. I can't wait to just be....

Well, I should scoot. I'm in the middle of a very special project. My heart is in it...and it beckons me.

gee, it felt good to ramble...

Becoming...

LOVE this song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fyfMZSaw0i0

I can sing parts of this song but one day I will confidently sing it all. And say, " That's right world...I am LOVELY"...I'm working on it....because I want to be

In a conversation with a friend the other day, she called me a visionary. I don't think I am but oh boy, do I want to be...I want to do something revolutionary...I want to live with a vision...a purpose...a passion....

i want to live my life along standards of holiness....thats hard when I think there are things that are fun that I'm pretty sure don't qualify as holy....

I'm simply becoming this "me" that I think I want to be...

as with everything, slowly but surely..

In other thoughts:

-it's 10pm on a Friday and I could go to bed. Does that make me the lamest 22 (almost 23) year old out there?

-i got to be home yesterday. my soul was refreshed.

there are some other exciting things going on in life that perhaps I will share soon. Happy Friday and happy weekend...may your days be full of sunshine and grace....and just being lovely as you are....

Strength in the Struggle

I think the Message version says it best:

If you fall to pieces in a crisis,
there wasn't much to you in the first place. (Proverbs 24:10)

I get that adversity makes one stronger.

And obviously, just going back to the simple fact that we our weak in our flesh, real strength is only going to be found in our God.

But something I am beginning to notice in myself is a restless spirit. I often get antsy and automatically my mind goes to the wandering world of what next.

Sometimes I take my heart to that place. That makes it harder to return the land of right now.

And when that adversity card gets pulled, I know its not hard to imagine that the train to that place in my head is boarded and on its way.

That frustrates me about myself. Because all around me, there are some good things taking place too. I'm getting involved in the community in and outside this school. Its exciting, really.

But then there are moments that have me begging for a spirit of compassion. A spirit of understanding. A heart of grace. A mind rooted in truth and not wandering around the what ifs of tomorrow.

I asked myself earlier, "Where is your spirit at ease? When are you calm and not restless?"

I guess I hoped subconsciously my heart would say, "Italy! Africa! Or insert some other unexplored territory..." or "When you're at the beach. When you're with your family. When you're hearing people's stories. When you're creating."

Nope. That didn't happen. I was instead reminded of whom I find my rest in.

But these frustrations? Not the end of the world. Tomorrow is a new day. I can't control other people and what they do and how they live, but I can keep my eyes on the author and finisher of my faith and life.

Quoting a phrase that isn't my favorite but simply applicable to the moment:

It is what it is.

somewhere along the road, journaling became an unsafe place...

a place that didn't just hold the ramblings of my soul. but a place that enabled me to sort my thoughts out, sometimes into compartments, sometimes floating about like balloons. And when those thoughts become too much, all I have is a written record of my fears, my doubts, my frustrations.

the anti-dwelling place.

Since I was 13, my journaling was therapy to me. Over the break, I found my middle school journals. Full of "he smiled at me" and "we locked gazes" and "oh my gosh I'm so in love". Banter that almost qualifies those journals for the trash. But I didn't think much deeper. The pattern of overanalyzation in my life can be traced back to even my 13 year old mind and is evident in my writing, but it was just boy stuff, ya know?

Even into my 14 year old journal there is alot of this, but I could begin to see more developed thoughts. More than 5 lines about my current crush.

I need a place that will just hear me. That will let me rant and not judge. That will hold my tears and not question my emotional stability. That will let me talk and talk and secretly not think that I did inherit my family genes as one that can talk too much. These days, I don't feel the freedom to voice those things aloud.

They are MY thoughts. MY feelings. I want to share them, though, sometimes.

But I don't.

I try to resist the inner construction worker that is trying to replace my God's rebuilding up of soft clay with bricks. Bricks that create a wall. A wall that doesn't let people in. That disables me from doing something I love and this is sharing parts of who I am with people who I want to share that with.

I have learned to stop writing when I feel it is becoming a place that just lets me whine. Because while it can equally be a blessing to have a place to talk and not be talked back to, it can equally be a curse because it doesn't speak truth over the untruth I may be wading through.

All this sounds like I am who I was last semester. I'm not, friends. The Lord is doing some good things. He is Faithful. To that I cling to.

But right now. In this moment, I feel I've lost a friend I can't confide in because I don't want to write right now. I feel I've lost some of that freedom too.

Writing in my journal is one of my favorite things in the whole world. I pray this season is short.

My spirit is still too broken to dance and now my fingers too cripple to write.

God, please give me endurance through the brokenness. I thought we were on to the rebuilding.

A Few closing thoughts:

-i am more like my mom than i realized.

-this last week at home made it hard to leave. going back to grownup mode was ok.

-i feel a wonderful comfort knowing my girls are on the other side of my walls.

-i didn't get to be outside as much as I wanted to be last week and I plan on making up that outside time in days to come.

-i have 2 papers due tomorrow. don't ask me if I've started.

-if my God has taught me anything, it is that every moment in life builds upon itself for the next. i don't know what all this is preparing me for, but its something.

and then i'm reminded...

I am still so fragile.

Like porcelin, I can break with a tap.

And I wonder...will I ever be fixed?

Once Broken Bones Dance

Over the past two days, the Lord has revealed some specific bible verses to me that have really ministered to my spirit.

The first two are from Psalm 51.

The psalmist is talking about God forgiving us for sinning against him. Asking him to scrub away our dirtiness. How since we were born we've been out of step with Creator God. I love how the Message version says this:

What you're after is truth from the inside out

That really hit me. Truth from the inside out. I don't know if it struck me because listening to truth has been a struggle over the past 6 months or what. It just reminded me that it all goes back to my heart. Having an undivided heart. On more than one occasion has my heart been as divided as it has been these past few months.

It reminds me of that Hillsong song From the Inside Out. The chorus says:

"Lord, consume me from the inside out"

I just get a mental image of the spirit of God oozing from my pores and engulfing my whole being.

Later in that chapter, probably one of my favorite Message rewrites says:

Tune me in to foot-tapping songs,

SET THESE ONCE-BROKEN BONES TO DANCING

AH. I love that so much. It ties in with a post I wrote a while back about wanting to learn to dance again. To dance this life with grace and beauty. But thats just it. My bones have been broken. Which makes perfect sense with the whole idea of our God breaking us. But note the tense the psalmist wrote in. "these ONCE broken...." As in past tense.

I'd say I'm still in a cast.

But what a beautiful image of what's to come.

Then today in Psalm 53, the psalmist wrote about justice. And people who exploit the name of our God. I like to read the NIV version after I do my devotional with the Message, just because the word is usually different and provides a beautiful new perspective.

So leading up to this verse, David is talking about evil doers who don't call on the name of God.

So while verse 5 is referring to them, it still hit me:

There they were, overwhelmed with dread, where there was NOTHING to dread

I don't want to be like those people. Because truth is, I do this a lot. I dread. I freak out about how I assume things will be. Could be. Even as I am healing to leaning on truth, I have daily opportunities to freak out about things. But truth is, there is usually nothing to dread. I don't want to live in constant expectancy of what heart breaking things could happen.

Change is just a constant of life. But you know what the difference is now world? I am changing right alongside the rest of it. For months, I dug my feet in the ground. No more.

Just some thoughts for the day.

Peace in His Presence

I was introduced to a song this weekend. The chorus simply repeats itself:

I’ve finally found where I belong,  I’ve finally found where I belong in Your presence I’ve finally found where I belong,  To be with You, to be with You

It came along at this weird time. I've been bombarded with thoughts of lacking purpose 

and questioning what I'm doing with photography.  

If it matters. 

Should it just be a hobby.

Just trying to understand where I fit. The thoughts haven't been discouraging per se, because I know I will be here in Hot Springs

next year. That's all I can really offer. But that's ok. 

And while I don't know what that may look like, that's ok too. 

And then I heard this song. And it made me realize. I belong to and with my God. Period. End of Story.

I belong in His presence. To seek him, not where I think I want to go or do or be. To look at Him, instead of all around.

Even still, my words don't do justice to the sweet calm in my spirit. A calm that has been lacking for months. A calm that is occasionally

rocked by fleeting circumstance that my God thankfully can cover. Does cover. Will continue to cover.

A day or so ago I had a moment of sheer panic, almost irrationally so over a simple mistake. I couldn't halt the tears that were maybe

just stored up. But I didn't know how to pray or why I was overwhelmingly panicked. So I opened my mouth and let my God just 

know me. And calm me. It was new. And powerful.

This weekend, my aunts came to visit me. Words can equally not describe their presence. I woke up with a full heart this morning

from several days spent with women who inspire me. Teach me. Speak truth over me. Challenge me. Pray for me. Understand me.

Know me and still love me. Love me. Laugh with and cry with me. 

I am blessed. And overwhelmed at how the Lord can make bitterness sweet. Who can turn brokenness into something new.

I will leave with one fleeting thought. The closing words to a particular movie trailer made me choke up, as I feel it rings true in

my soul, especially these days. It says:

"Sometimes you have to be apart from people you love,

but that doesn't mean you love them any less.

Sometimes it even makes you love them more."

Thank you sweet Maker for a beautiful weekend and for the changes that are taking place in and around me, even in ways I

didn't and don't expect or even realize are options. Thanks for knowing best.

Thrift Store Wisdom

This was my 3rd week to volunteer at the Jackson House. Each time is different. I probably should've hung around outside to mingle with passers by. And take pictures.

But I just wanted to get my hands dirty. And DO something.

They didn't need me in the kitchen.

So I went next door and folded scarves and organized dresses by size.

And eve-dropped on some of the best conversation.

Patsy is the woman in charge. She isn't overly talkative but very friendly. And working the cash register are these 2 older women. Probably in their 60s.

Sisters.

They talked about this and that. Nothing out of the ordinary. But it was precious listening to them interact. Love was there. This sisterly, I can finish your sentence kind of love. That only comes from a lifetime together.

Then this woman came in. With this sweet cracking voice. A spitfire who later whistled as she shopped. She recognized the sisters and the three reconnected. And then the best part...

They reminisced.

About the other spoiled sister and brother in the family. The soda shop owned by her dad. And they laughed. The dad used to kick guys out if they talked ugly. Priceless.

But then she said something. Something that made me smile so big and think really hard.

"You know," she said, "Those were the days.... And we didn't even know it."

I find that so profound. It didn't make me sad. I still believe there are so many joys that can be discovered and had in life. I'm only 22....thats so young. But when I'm 60, 70, 80, God willing I live that long, I will remember now. This time of my life. Songs will trigger memories and smells and smiles and yes, even tears.

It made me happy to be alive. Happy to be here. Not just this place, but in this time of my life.

~~~~~~~~~

In other news of less importance, I'm almost out of shampoo. Which means I get to buy new shampoo next week. I love that...I like to mix it up and get something different every couple of times....thats a small thing that brings me joy...picking out a new shampoo.

I also bought 4 2-quart bottles of Sunny D today. For $4. Thank you Kroger.

I want to go to the beach very badly. The smell of sunscreen. Floating in the ocean and being knocked over by waves. Putting aloe vera on freshly burnt(but not too burnt) shoulders. Having just enough glow on your cheeks to want almost no make up. Hammocks. The breeze that comes from the ocean. Fresh Krispy Kreme donuts before you hit the beach. This is where adulthood is a stinker. I don't know if this will happen for me this year. Oh but how I will try my darndest to make it happen.

I saw this spray painted on a wall: Repeat after me; I am Free

That gives me chills for some reason.

~~~~~~~~~

May I leave with this link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8GH-AkJDkNE

I hope you are able to enter the sweet presence of our God and taste and see that He is good.