the transfer...

from lonliness to aloneness.

theres a difference. or so a book Im reading is telling me.

with lonliness, the enemy uses it against you. depressing times.

with aloneness, God uses that to bring you closer to Him.

Of all the emotional unhealthiness i feel like ive gone through, I thought my tears were drying and things were looking up. I was turning boredom into productivity and when the enemy knocked, I said, "Abba, its for you."

When I say emotional unhealthy, that sounds a little scary. Maybe its more like I was just way too weak to fight the lies. Its a lot easier to believe lies than to fight for truth.

Lies that say Im not loved as much as I love the ones around me.

And that Im not worth being loved back that much.

That something within me pushes away ones who may want to love me that much. Because I check to often to make sure theyre still there.

That eventually they wont be. Because of something I did.

I try to love from the deepest core of who I am. That comes in many different shapes and sizes.

Sometimes it would be nice to have that shown first.

But i refrain 95% of the time in sharing that. Because its selfish.

I feel selfish to say, please love me this way, or do better at this. How selfish of myself.

Sometimes I dont know how to let things be good. I fear bad will eventually come. And i know that that doesnt have to be truth. But I have a small fear somewhere inside that says, one day, you will run. because i am too much, yet not enough. Is that not the enemy or what.

I feel like Ive tried discreetly but at the same time screaming "Please love me a little harder. Please let me know I matter in your life. Please let me know Im doing ok at my job. Please encourage me. Please need me. Please let me know Im missed." And I feel like normally, people translate me. That you get it. What have I done wrong to make my cries a foreign language?

Then I feel selfish again. And when time with the people I love and miss is already in small doses, why would I want to make that bad? and dramatic? and make ANYONE feel they dont do a good job loving me?

Life is busy. I want to make people's life easier, not harder. I want to enrich, not drain.

I don't want to be out of sight, out of mind. But my God revealed Himself to me and said, "but don't you have that kindof attitude towards me sometimes?" That hit hard.

This is a hard season of my life. One that could be harder and is actually full of blessings. And I know that in my weakness my God is made strong.

I know that.

Im not crazy. I promise.

But in a job full of people, I get lonely.

I miss family within the core of my heart, where they reside. And you don't have to be blood to be family.

I am lonely. Right now, in this moment. But am I letting myself be that way? I rebuke you enemy in MY JESUS' NAME. You are not welcome in this place.