I'm off for 3 days in a row which is kind of awesome. Today is probably the only day I was able to get out of Hot Springs.

I went to Little Rock. Good food. Good movie. With good friends. I just really enjoyed an evening with the girls. So as we're waiting for our movie to start this song comes on the overhead speaker. It's called "Hold My Heart" by Sara Bareilles. The title was a saying I know well and made me wanted to look up the lyrics...because how can you really pay attention to the lyrics of a song in a crowded movie theater? Here they are:

I never meant to be the one to let you down
If anything, I thought I saw myself going first
I didn't know how to stick around
How to see anybody but me be getting hurt

I keep remembering the summer night
And the conversation breaking up the mood
I didn't want to tell you you were right
Like the season changing, oh, I felt it too

Does anybody know how to hold my heart
How to hold my heart?
'Cause I don't want to let go, let go, let go too soon

I want to tell you so before the sun goes dark
How to hold my heart
'Cause I don't want to let go, let go, let go of you

I'm not the kind to try to tell you lies
But the truth is you've been hiding from it too
I see the end sneaking in behind your eyes

Saying everything no words could ever do

Does anybody know how to hold my heart
How to hold my heart?
'Cause I don't want to let go, let go, let go too soon

I want to tell you so before the sun goes dark
How to hold my heart
'Cause I don't want to let go, let go, let go of you

Is anybody listening?
'Cause I'm crying
Is anybody listening?

Does anybody know how to hold my heart
How to hold my heart?
'Cause I don't want to let go, let go, let go too soon

I want to tell you so before the sun goes dark
How to hold my heart
'Cause I don't want to let go, let go, let go of you

They struck me. Very profound. I dunno, maybe its just the day or what but it made me a little emotional. And let me tell you...that doesn't happen that often these days.

I can't live in my head or thoughts like I used to. I don't sit around and dwell or analyze like I once did. I literally can't live like that. That doesn't mean that I don't still think. I would hope no one would want to be friends with a person that just doesn't think. But just because I don't spend my quiet moments in deep analysis of self or situation, doesn't mean I don't recognize my shortcomings and where I can do better or when I fail, in action or words.

Alas, its a day by day thing. Well life is that way anyway. We are not promised tomorrow or minutes from now even. Too short to waste. To not be the best us. I don't know that I or anyone else will "arrive". But heck if I won't keep trying to be the woman my God desires me to be.

So this is what just being looks like? I've been working on that literally for years.

These days life is different. In a good way. Of course we all have ups and downs. Tis life.

The Lord has brought us all through a lot. He's so faithful like that.

Inspiration.

I love love this blog:

http://abeautifulmess.typepad.com/my_weblog/2010/11/sister-love.html

I have been following Elsie's blog since I was a freshman in college. I am so inspired that she and her sister went after their dream and made it a reality.

It just really inspires me that I can too, ya know?

They also seem to have a really beautiful sisterhood. And that blesses me.

A close friend of mine played me this song today and said it reminded her of me. It's called "Roll Away Your Stone" by Mumford and Sons. When she played it for me, this part kindof bowled me over:

It seems that all my bridges have been burned
But you say 'That's exactly how this grace thing works’
It's not the long walk home that will change this heart
But the welcome I receive with every start

My favorite is the first 2 lines...How incredible beautiful is that?! I want to show that kindof grace. I feel that is one of the main things that keeps some of my closest friendships going.

That even in their darkest times, there is this grace thing that is a canopy.

I am so undeserving of that from my God, but He extends it anyway.

I love that I have friends who want to be more like Him.

I hope that is an example that I too can live under.

Not Giving Up

Last year I met this girl named Rachel.

Fun, full of life. An artist. A teacher. Someone I remember looking forward to knowing more.

Life got busy. Summer came and went. I saw her in passing at church a few weeks ago and remember saying to myself "I'll catch her next week."

Two weeks ago this Wednesday, she had a horrible migraine that left her seeing stars. She went to the doctor and they discovered a golf ball sized tumor in her brain. The doctor at UAMS literally had her surgery planned by the time she got there for her second appointment.

She is now in a long recovery process. She can't take any medicine that would affect her brain so that crosses out almost all pain medicine. And they still don't know if what she had was cancerous or will require some form of chemo. She has literally been through hell and back in less than 2 weeks.

As her friend told me the story this morning, I just wanted to cry. Acknowledging how precious this life is has never been so real. Understanding that we are literally given only so much time on this earth before we spend eternity with our Maker hasn't hit this hard in a while.

And what's more, it made me really take a second look at how precious the people are in my life. What if that was them? If they went into surgery, unsure of its success, would I be left wishing I had treating them better and loved them harder and let the small things go? Would I have wished I'd prayed against built up hostility that could've been resolved if we just talked, even if that made things hard for a bit?

It makes me want to fight for the things in my life I've wanted to let go of and run far away from.

It makes me want to make right things I know are currently not ok.

It makes me ridiculously thankful for each of you.

The Lord is so faithful, knowing what we need and when. This tumor with Rachel was no surprise. He really does have a beautiful plan. Please pray for her as she recovers from this surgery both physically and emotionally.

Don't run away from what really matters. Don't give up.

Fight.

And love harder than you ever have. Because before you know it, that love could be ice cold and you may not have a chance to let your God melt away the frigidness for you to tell the people that matter that they do.

Recent Things:

1. I'm moving back to Conway tomorrow. It's been a year since I've lived there and not just visited. This could be a really fun endeavor. Or not so much. I'm praying for the former. I like the city and think the 5 weeks I spend there will be great.

2. I have a love of paper and packaging. Do you ever have loves that you don't know what to do with? Who knows where that will take me, if anywhere besides enjoying writing letters and sending them in fun envelopes. But some people make their living creating stationary...I've never considered this an option but may be I will start.

3. I went out dancing with some friends last night and had the best time. Only once before have I been to the Electric Cowboy..and after an hour that first time, I was exhausted...I left so baffled, unsure of how we had dance parties what seemed like every weekend last year...but last night, I left overjoyed that after 3 hours of dancing, I could've kept going. Once I got over that first hour, I was good to go...I haven't lost my dancing stamina! : ) what a relief...

4. However, crawling into bed at 4 am wasn't the best idea since I had to get up at 8am to do engagement pictures. I really enjoy doing engagement pictures and finding fun, unique locations to do them...Most of the time, it is really sweet to see 2 people in love interact...other times it is just nauseating...if I'm just being honest...but I like feeling like I am getting the hang of this stuff...

5. I read on someone's blog about a picnic club...isn't that a fantastic idea? Things I want to do at some point. And I still have hopes of building a magical fort...ever want to surprise me? build a fort....or make brownies....or write me a letter....quality time is a gem...reasons I think I'll hopefully be a good mother one day....I love those things...maybe that makes me childish. Or makes me oober only-childish....But its just who I am and what I enjoy...

6. I will prob. never watch Grey's Anatomy again after the season finale....I was so emotionally spent after those 2 hours that I had to watch Glee and sew to get out of such a sad mood.

7. It is camp time again. A part of me really regrets not doing that again, despite vowing I never would after last summer. I won't miss the early mornings and significant lack of sleep. I will miss loving on those kids and working with incredible people.

8. T-minus 8 days until I make the trek to Fort Worth. I just can't wait.

9. I want to live in such a way that inspires life and creativity and beauty...things I've been thinking about lately

That's all for now...I should probably begin packing...that might take a while...

Life List 2010

I realize we are halfway through May but I love making lists and I say its never too late to set some goals. I've been able to be crafty here lately and would really like to set some creative goals for myself in 2010. So here are a few:

-make business cards. they will prob. resemble calling cards because I havent thought of a name for a "business" and I want to offer my sewing stuff, etc with my photography. I don't know if those can go on the same card. Photographer and designer? What's kosher in the business world? I drew some sketches and think I have a design figured out. I'm pretty pumped. Anyone know where I can get brown recycled card stock?

-create a website. I don't even know where to begin with this other than talking to people who know what they're doing in this dept. But it's becoming more and more necessary.

-create a "name" for myself creatively, both with my photography and my other crafty endeavors. With the latter, I have a ways to go to offer professional, sellable items. I try very hard with gifts but sometimes the imperfections add character. maybe not but I don't want to half do anything.

-by the beginning of the new year, open an etsy store and add 5 new items at a time, maybe once a month. Specifics to this goal will develop as the year goes along.

-participate in one craft show. This will hopefully be a good gauge of how the public responds to the things I can offer. It may be a good way to show me that I should stick to photography and making things as gifts. but it could prove to be a nice side business.

-really develop myself as a photographer and what I can offer. focus on marketing and pricing and really becoming serious about what I love. It may not be in the arena I want to eventually be as a photographer, but its a nice place to start. we'll see.

I've never really set such specific goals for myself creatively. a little overwhelming but exciting too. so let's look at this realistically. For summer 2010, here are specific goals:

1. design and print business cards

2. launch website by end of summer

3. sew Africa quilt

4. read 3 books, maybe more : )

*the last one is one of my for fun goals of summer...oh believe me, there is more where that came from!

I've got the rambles, but what's new...here are some other cool things:

-I have fallen in love with these things called photoshop brushes. i think one more creative goal would be to learn how to make my own by the end of the year. i've been on a downloading frenzy. so fun and i can't wait to get the hand of how to use them properly. one thing that excites me so much are the packaging options laid before me...i just don't have much to package these days

-i shot my first wedding last friday. i have never sweated so hard. what an incredible couple to work with on my first job. it actually took me a few days before I would actually look at the images. i don't know if I'm cut out to be a wedding photographer. but maybe it is one of those things where you just gotta keep going and learning with each step and fall. I have lots to learn about that business. but I never anticipated such compliments about the engagement and bridal stuff I did for them. it really took me back and blessed me like whoa. someone once told me to never doubt that my art matters. its still hard to not question that. i dont know, it just felt really good to hear. also, reasons I have really started taking into consideration a need for business cards and a website. finding a spare sheet of paper can be hard sometimes. i'm really looking forward to the possibilities that lay ahead.

-let's just go ahead and put this on the table. year 2 of working at this job is going to be so different than this past one. i think it will be good but i am gonna be so busy. i'm excited. there are so many changes taking place in so many areas of life with this job...in the next few days, I will know where I will be living and that may even be different than now. new co-workers. new rules. yep, lots of change.

-i have to start packing tomorrow so it doesn't all pile up on me sunday. i also start summer school next week. eek. in two weeks I will be in texas, praise the Lord. and then a week later at home...PRAISE THE LORD.

Father, thank you for life. even for the busyness. even for the pain. it makes me stronger, even if its through brokenness. thank you for amazing family. and friends. thank you for loving me. and letting others love me. thank you for teaching me ways to loosen my grip on the many things i hold onto too tight. i give all this future stuff to you. You have a plan. I know and trust that. Let me rest in it. I love you more than anything. ~daughter

It's the simple things...

that make me smile. Here are just a few that have made my life brighter recently:

1. Taking a nap in sheets straight out of the dryer. Like I did on Saturday.

2. Having my whole room smell like freshly baking cake. Like yesterday.

3. Knowing that in less than a month I get to visit my aunts in Texas. Even though I've been at different times during the year, it will be the first summer since 2007. Before that, I had gone every summer since I was 12. Simply put, I can't wait.

4. Walking past leather bags and mentally checking out and going back to Italy and walking through the market stalls. Like I did today in TJ Maxx. *I can't wait to go back. I don't know when but I think it may be sooner than I had prepared...I love to think about the possibilities my God has planned*

5. Smelling honeysuckle when I roll my car windows down. Like I did today at the bank.

6. Going to the post office to send special packages. Like I will tomorrow.

7. I have made it a nightly habit after I sign my floor in to go sit outside on the steps in front of the school. To breathe in the fresh air. To close my eyes and soak it up. To literally feel my mind get lighter as I spend time in silence with my God.

8. Those first few chews of Juicy Fruit gum. Like I took last night.

Those are just a few things that I have clung to over the past few days. They make any heaviness I may have seem irrelevant for a time. I've been keeping myself quite busy these days which I suppose is a good thing. Looking forward to some busy but exciting few days ahead. I am off for 3 days! The next time I am off, it will be for good, for the summer.

A summer that holds more business than any other summer since 2007. I think it will be fun, amongst other things!

Ran across this on stumble upon:

Couldn't have said it better.

Just wanted to share. Someone else said exactly what I learn on a daily basis.

and have to re-learn sometimes.

Just thought this was great.