somewhere along the road, journaling became an unsafe place...

a place that didn't just hold the ramblings of my soul. but a place that enabled me to sort my thoughts out, sometimes into compartments, sometimes floating about like balloons. And when those thoughts become too much, all I have is a written record of my fears, my doubts, my frustrations.

the anti-dwelling place.

Since I was 13, my journaling was therapy to me. Over the break, I found my middle school journals. Full of "he smiled at me" and "we locked gazes" and "oh my gosh I'm so in love". Banter that almost qualifies those journals for the trash. But I didn't think much deeper. The pattern of overanalyzation in my life can be traced back to even my 13 year old mind and is evident in my writing, but it was just boy stuff, ya know?

Even into my 14 year old journal there is alot of this, but I could begin to see more developed thoughts. More than 5 lines about my current crush.

I need a place that will just hear me. That will let me rant and not judge. That will hold my tears and not question my emotional stability. That will let me talk and talk and secretly not think that I did inherit my family genes as one that can talk too much. These days, I don't feel the freedom to voice those things aloud.

They are MY thoughts. MY feelings. I want to share them, though, sometimes.

But I don't.

I try to resist the inner construction worker that is trying to replace my God's rebuilding up of soft clay with bricks. Bricks that create a wall. A wall that doesn't let people in. That disables me from doing something I love and this is sharing parts of who I am with people who I want to share that with.

I have learned to stop writing when I feel it is becoming a place that just lets me whine. Because while it can equally be a blessing to have a place to talk and not be talked back to, it can equally be a curse because it doesn't speak truth over the untruth I may be wading through.

All this sounds like I am who I was last semester. I'm not, friends. The Lord is doing some good things. He is Faithful. To that I cling to.

But right now. In this moment, I feel I've lost a friend I can't confide in because I don't want to write right now. I feel I've lost some of that freedom too.

Writing in my journal is one of my favorite things in the whole world. I pray this season is short.

My spirit is still too broken to dance and now my fingers too cripple to write.

God, please give me endurance through the brokenness. I thought we were on to the rebuilding.

A Few closing thoughts:

-i am more like my mom than i realized.

-this last week at home made it hard to leave. going back to grownup mode was ok.

-i feel a wonderful comfort knowing my girls are on the other side of my walls.

-i didn't get to be outside as much as I wanted to be last week and I plan on making up that outside time in days to come.

-i have 2 papers due tomorrow. don't ask me if I've started.

-if my God has taught me anything, it is that every moment in life builds upon itself for the next. i don't know what all this is preparing me for, but its something.

and then i'm reminded...

I am still so fragile.

Like porcelin, I can break with a tap.

And I wonder...will I ever be fixed?

Once Broken Bones Dance

Over the past two days, the Lord has revealed some specific bible verses to me that have really ministered to my spirit.

The first two are from Psalm 51.

The psalmist is talking about God forgiving us for sinning against him. Asking him to scrub away our dirtiness. How since we were born we've been out of step with Creator God. I love how the Message version says this:

What you're after is truth from the inside out

That really hit me. Truth from the inside out. I don't know if it struck me because listening to truth has been a struggle over the past 6 months or what. It just reminded me that it all goes back to my heart. Having an undivided heart. On more than one occasion has my heart been as divided as it has been these past few months.

It reminds me of that Hillsong song From the Inside Out. The chorus says:

"Lord, consume me from the inside out"

I just get a mental image of the spirit of God oozing from my pores and engulfing my whole being.

Later in that chapter, probably one of my favorite Message rewrites says:

Tune me in to foot-tapping songs,

SET THESE ONCE-BROKEN BONES TO DANCING

AH. I love that so much. It ties in with a post I wrote a while back about wanting to learn to dance again. To dance this life with grace and beauty. But thats just it. My bones have been broken. Which makes perfect sense with the whole idea of our God breaking us. But note the tense the psalmist wrote in. "these ONCE broken...." As in past tense.

I'd say I'm still in a cast.

But what a beautiful image of what's to come.

Then today in Psalm 53, the psalmist wrote about justice. And people who exploit the name of our God. I like to read the NIV version after I do my devotional with the Message, just because the word is usually different and provides a beautiful new perspective.

So leading up to this verse, David is talking about evil doers who don't call on the name of God.

So while verse 5 is referring to them, it still hit me:

There they were, overwhelmed with dread, where there was NOTHING to dread

I don't want to be like those people. Because truth is, I do this a lot. I dread. I freak out about how I assume things will be. Could be. Even as I am healing to leaning on truth, I have daily opportunities to freak out about things. But truth is, there is usually nothing to dread. I don't want to live in constant expectancy of what heart breaking things could happen.

Change is just a constant of life. But you know what the difference is now world? I am changing right alongside the rest of it. For months, I dug my feet in the ground. No more.

Just some thoughts for the day.

Peace in His Presence

I was introduced to a song this weekend. The chorus simply repeats itself:

I’ve finally found where I belong,  I’ve finally found where I belong in Your presence I’ve finally found where I belong,  To be with You, to be with You

It came along at this weird time. I've been bombarded with thoughts of lacking purpose 

and questioning what I'm doing with photography.  

If it matters. 

Should it just be a hobby.

Just trying to understand where I fit. The thoughts haven't been discouraging per se, because I know I will be here in Hot Springs

next year. That's all I can really offer. But that's ok. 

And while I don't know what that may look like, that's ok too. 

And then I heard this song. And it made me realize. I belong to and with my God. Period. End of Story.

I belong in His presence. To seek him, not where I think I want to go or do or be. To look at Him, instead of all around.

Even still, my words don't do justice to the sweet calm in my spirit. A calm that has been lacking for months. A calm that is occasionally

rocked by fleeting circumstance that my God thankfully can cover. Does cover. Will continue to cover.

A day or so ago I had a moment of sheer panic, almost irrationally so over a simple mistake. I couldn't halt the tears that were maybe

just stored up. But I didn't know how to pray or why I was overwhelmingly panicked. So I opened my mouth and let my God just 

know me. And calm me. It was new. And powerful.

This weekend, my aunts came to visit me. Words can equally not describe their presence. I woke up with a full heart this morning

from several days spent with women who inspire me. Teach me. Speak truth over me. Challenge me. Pray for me. Understand me.

Know me and still love me. Love me. Laugh with and cry with me. 

I am blessed. And overwhelmed at how the Lord can make bitterness sweet. Who can turn brokenness into something new.

I will leave with one fleeting thought. The closing words to a particular movie trailer made me choke up, as I feel it rings true in

my soul, especially these days. It says:

"Sometimes you have to be apart from people you love,

but that doesn't mean you love them any less.

Sometimes it even makes you love them more."

Thank you sweet Maker for a beautiful weekend and for the changes that are taking place in and around me, even in ways I

didn't and don't expect or even realize are options. Thanks for knowing best.