Rambles..

a lot can change in a year.

my 4th floor room is a disaster. i forsee cleanage next week.

tomorrow is going to be so busy.

i think i will buy a hammock on saturday for myself. I'm really pumped and plan to take it to the lake when I get to Conway.

the song "nothing on you" by b.o.b. is a new fave..i've been dancing my heart out in my room. alot.

i get to meet a bunch of women tomorrow that I will be getting to know and photographing over the next year. i'm so excited to get to know them.

been reading a lot of good stuff lately. this verse came out in my readings the other day:

Matthew 12:34--> "..For the mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart." (or out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks...)

I've been pondering that. How that applies to my own life. What I speak into the universe, what I deal with on the inside. What I speak to my God. To people.

Gossip was one of the most hurtful things I ever dealt with growing up. It should not be a part of my grownup life. I feel shame for the times I know I commit this hurt, especially since I experience such pain even as a grownup.

Grownup? puh...thats an overstatement i assure you.

i will be 23 on saturday. i am so thankful for life.

and in this moment, i just want to go home. there holds something that here does not. my parents. home has a loyalty and familiarity. i don't feel those things here all the time. a place that certainly has had no absence of hurt and pain. a place that love has sustained much.

love. what a word.

assumptions. those are a down fall of mine. i can get so worked up only to snap to it and realized i've cried over something i just figure will be the case. even as i type, i carry assumptions in my heart. i've been reading more of this book called the Battlefield of the Mind. It holds a lot of those light bulb phrases that have made me realize a lot in my heart.

but while this all sounds like i've been living in my head a lot, the latter part of this week has been ok. not like last week.

but i can assure you friends, any negative or venting or anger you may ever have with me? it has already crossed my mind...prob. times 10...i find myself constantly trying to be..something...a better person, friend..it hit me the either day....

who is it telling me i have to be that? and for whom am i trying so hard? There is One I should so diligently try for...not to win the love of man...

im ready for the summer.

found out that hanson is coming to Memphis is August...i will be buying tickets in the morning. it's ok, you can judge. 12 year old me is real excited though.

after a presentation i do on monday, i will have completed my first semester of grad school. it turned out a lot differently than planned, but i was thankful for that one class.

life....

Must've been the day...

We all have those days, ya know?

Just because today is a good day doesn't mean rough days aren't going to come.

I read this quote by Dr. Seuss:

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

It was one of those smile things that made me feel ok.

I don't know how to not care about the things I wrote about yesterday without that equaling more hardness.

Not care=not feeling=walls up=hard as stone

Balance.

I'm working on it.

E.E. Cummings said:

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."

I want to be brave and not afraid. I don't know why I get so fearful that the me I'm becoming will be a person people don't like. I don't know why I can't not care.

But its exhausting. I feel like I'm relearning what I had down for a little while but then lost.

I think too much. And it drains the living mess out of me.

But I don't want it to be hard work to be my friend.

I've been told that love really isn't all you need. That that doesn't sustain a relationship. That more has to be there.

I think I believe that more everyday.

And I don't know what to do about that.

Love has be a driving force that seems to keep a lot going these days. But I'm not so sure that is enough. And it is when I question that, that I freak out a little. Because love isn't the absence of hurt or pain or difficult times. But is it enough to sustain through that?

I hope so.

I find myself hoping a lot lately.

I once asked someone who told me to start hoping instead of fearing "But then aren't you setting yourself up for heartache?"

She said, "Sweetie, don't you already have heartache?"

Touche.

Not that one should hope with expectation. I learned a while back that expectations will only disappoint you.

Maybe its more about faith.

All that to say, I realize the heaviness of yesterday's post. And I'm starting to question if I've ever been a "light" person. Things I don't know.

But I do know that I wrote a lot last semester out of hurting. I don't think I'm hurting. Just sorting through the chaos of my mind. Because I feel like my life is all over the place, literally and figuratively. It was bound to pour out of my brain at some point. That was yesterday.

But this is now. A new day. Still with little resolution and lots of reservations.

Reservations that I guess are self-imposed. Reservations on being, because that doesn't seem to be enough. Not needing anything but understanding of my mind.

How will I understand if I don't weed through what's worth thinking about to begin with.

After all, thats the point of this blog for me. To weed out and ramble aloud.

The past few weeks...

I've just been hearing,

"It would've been better if you had just moved away after college. Far away...

because after all, you're a better long distance friend anyway.

You can't hurt people that way. You can love and it be just the right amount;

not too much, not too less. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder.

That way you would be fond to the people around you, not less than desirable or the wrong

person for the job."

And in my heart of hearts, I just pray thats not true. But thats something I just can't stand upon at this moment. But you better believe I'm fighting to find out.

Because I should be mush by now..not half way to stone cold.

Back up, but how far?

Stay close, but how close?

It's too much sometimes. I don't know what to follow.

See, you would be better off on the other side of the world.

Screw you enemy. I thought I was right where I'm supposed to be.

I feel like one of those people who break something with every turn.

How can I be that clumsy but with people I love?

I seem to be doing that a lot lately. To so many.

Perhaps I need to go away for a while to figure this stuff out and then come back...

oh but wait, where would that be?

Someone from home died today. He was grown and I was friends with his kids when I was younger. Don't know the last time I saw him. But it shook me.

Life is too precious to keep messing it up all the time, Jordan.

I tuck this away everyday like change in my pocket. This weight. These thoughts.

I just needed to let it air out for right now.

I can't tell you how many people have said, "Stop being so hard on yourself."

I know I can't be perfect.

I know I will disappoint.

I know I will mess up.

But it's not easy to stop being hard on yourself when you know you keep messing up. To feel like somehow, each next step is the wrong one. Too far, or not far enough.

And how I do that, I will never know. I'm NOT stupid.

But seriously, what am I missing?

Dear friends, thank you for keeping me. Sometimes I don't know why you do.

I can offer change but I feel like I just keep changing. I just want to be me, even though I'm still becoming.

Until then, I just want to hide.

Precious God, I know have something to offer this world.

I pray this only a season like all the others...a time for this, a time for that. But this. This is an all too familiar feeling. Good thing I've learned how to fight. Just gotta keep at it.

I'm trying. Slipping a little bit right now. But not giving up. This isn't who I was. This isn't who I'm becoming.

Hardened a little? Maybe. Where are my hammers when I need them?

Why do I harden? I think when I feel my best isn't even enough. When my love isn't strong enough to do the day to day.

On the flip side, I danced on Saturday night. For the first time in a while. Remember? Once Broken. That's gotta mean something. Even if I physically do it, there has to be some inner truth there too.

That part of me is going to dance soon. I just know it.

In my heart, right now, though it a little hard, that makes for excellent river dance foundation.

Maybe I can dance away the stone and dance away the self doubt and questioning.

And one day, it will be graceful again.

Just for Rambles...

It was a GORGEOUS Monday. I just so happened to be off.

Skipping class this morning seemed like the best choice. I was still up by 8:30 and got stuff done.

When I got to Little Rock, I went to the park by the Arts Center where my afternoon class is. I took a towel to lay on and I read.

I also embroidered for the first time in a long time. My nana taught me before she went to Heaven. It felt perfectly natural in my imperfect way of trying to figure out my creative process and getting back into the swing of it.

After class, the cool breeze and sunny spot in the grass were too appealing to drive away from. So I read some more.

I got 3 books in the mail today. I love books. And I love mail. One of the books I got is called "The Poor will be Glad". Its about micro finance and a way of teaching sustainable ways of living to impoverished parts of our world. The statistics are humbling and astonishing.

I've been thinking a lot about this idea of "changing the world". Where does one even begin with that? Can one even do that? That's quite a big task.

I do want to make a lasting impact on this earth for my God. But don't ask how I want or plan to do that. I will have no answer for you. I wish I knew what I was supposed to be doing with my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah...I'm supposed to be here. In Hot Springs. I really am trying to let that be enough.

This job comes with a beautiful gift of free time that can be used to be super productive...I want to use that time. Sometimes I wonder if the things I can offer even matter? I feel way to all over the place to commit also...that is a problem my friends...the older I get, I feel more and more non-commital to everything...I do NOT want to be like that...

I want to build a fort. I see all these awesome forts that people build online (yes, grown-ups do this sometimes...). I don't know why that's appealing. Maybe its a way of reviving the child in my heart that feels pretty caged these days.

Today when I was laying in the grass after class, I had to literally restrain myself from just running over all the grass...it was just open space..I just seemed to beckon "please come run through me and IMAGINE"...I have friends that would call this the only child in me...and thats ok because that was my childhood. Empty spaces that became exotic lands far off....I don't want to ever lose that.

Does that make me immature? Childish? Foolish even?

I really wished I could have had someone there to enjoy that with me. Maybe that is something that has changed since my childhood.

Today was one of those days I wanted to roll down my windows. I wish I had.

I can't write on plain white paper. Well, I can, but I don't like to. I need lines. Isn't that weird for a person who likes to be creative?

I submitted a piece of photography that is one of my favorites into a local art exhibit. It's just a one night exhibit about celebrating women.

I got in!

It isn't a big deal but I am excited to be a part of this community. It felt really good that someone thought my art was good enough to be there. ...it isn't often that I feel what I do matters...but it just has to somewhere, right? I think it matters to my family. And some of my friends.

Why would God give me something, be it ever so small, without having some kind of purpose?

There just has to be a purpose. I choose to cling to that.

I move from 4th floor to 2nd floor tomorrow. I will get the opportunity to have close community with a new group of great girls. I think it is going to be good, even though I will miss my 4th floor girls in such a close capacity.

A Milli just came on my itunes. This song brings back a ton of memories from last year.

I just want to dance. Let's be honest. I do that in my room. Not as fun without people. Except when I want to try out new moves. Thats always best in private so I don't make a fool, even though I guess technically I do that in public...lol

Now I'm on a Boat just came on....oh, good times...I remember dance circles. And playing in a down pour. And having reasons to get dressed up. Ah, Malibu.

Yes, those were good times.

But so are these. So are these.

I'm going to prom on Saturday. I'm pumped.

I found out that I probably wont get to take a photo class this summer. I am hoping for a job while I'm still in Conway. There are some other things I hope to do. Like make colored pancakes. And at some point, I will watch the sunrise/sunset from the roof...And I want to take Rummi to the park. And swim in the lake. I've never just had a summer to be with friends. I can't wait to just be....

Well, I should scoot. I'm in the middle of a very special project. My heart is in it...and it beckons me.

gee, it felt good to ramble...

Becoming...

LOVE this song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fyfMZSaw0i0

I can sing parts of this song but one day I will confidently sing it all. And say, " That's right world...I am LOVELY"...I'm working on it....because I want to be

In a conversation with a friend the other day, she called me a visionary. I don't think I am but oh boy, do I want to be...I want to do something revolutionary...I want to live with a vision...a purpose...a passion....

i want to live my life along standards of holiness....thats hard when I think there are things that are fun that I'm pretty sure don't qualify as holy....

I'm simply becoming this "me" that I think I want to be...

as with everything, slowly but surely..

In other thoughts:

-it's 10pm on a Friday and I could go to bed. Does that make me the lamest 22 (almost 23) year old out there?

-i got to be home yesterday. my soul was refreshed.

there are some other exciting things going on in life that perhaps I will share soon. Happy Friday and happy weekend...may your days be full of sunshine and grace....and just being lovely as you are....

Strength in the Struggle

I think the Message version says it best:

If you fall to pieces in a crisis,
there wasn't much to you in the first place. (Proverbs 24:10)

I get that adversity makes one stronger.

And obviously, just going back to the simple fact that we our weak in our flesh, real strength is only going to be found in our God.

But something I am beginning to notice in myself is a restless spirit. I often get antsy and automatically my mind goes to the wandering world of what next.

Sometimes I take my heart to that place. That makes it harder to return the land of right now.

And when that adversity card gets pulled, I know its not hard to imagine that the train to that place in my head is boarded and on its way.

That frustrates me about myself. Because all around me, there are some good things taking place too. I'm getting involved in the community in and outside this school. Its exciting, really.

But then there are moments that have me begging for a spirit of compassion. A spirit of understanding. A heart of grace. A mind rooted in truth and not wandering around the what ifs of tomorrow.

I asked myself earlier, "Where is your spirit at ease? When are you calm and not restless?"

I guess I hoped subconsciously my heart would say, "Italy! Africa! Or insert some other unexplored territory..." or "When you're at the beach. When you're with your family. When you're hearing people's stories. When you're creating."

Nope. That didn't happen. I was instead reminded of whom I find my rest in.

But these frustrations? Not the end of the world. Tomorrow is a new day. I can't control other people and what they do and how they live, but I can keep my eyes on the author and finisher of my faith and life.

Quoting a phrase that isn't my favorite but simply applicable to the moment:

It is what it is.