Thrift Store Wisdom

This was my 3rd week to volunteer at the Jackson House. Each time is different. I probably should've hung around outside to mingle with passers by. And take pictures.

But I just wanted to get my hands dirty. And DO something.

They didn't need me in the kitchen.

So I went next door and folded scarves and organized dresses by size.

And eve-dropped on some of the best conversation.

Patsy is the woman in charge. She isn't overly talkative but very friendly. And working the cash register are these 2 older women. Probably in their 60s.

Sisters.

They talked about this and that. Nothing out of the ordinary. But it was precious listening to them interact. Love was there. This sisterly, I can finish your sentence kind of love. That only comes from a lifetime together.

Then this woman came in. With this sweet cracking voice. A spitfire who later whistled as she shopped. She recognized the sisters and the three reconnected. And then the best part...

They reminisced.

About the other spoiled sister and brother in the family. The soda shop owned by her dad. And they laughed. The dad used to kick guys out if they talked ugly. Priceless.

But then she said something. Something that made me smile so big and think really hard.

"You know," she said, "Those were the days.... And we didn't even know it."

I find that so profound. It didn't make me sad. I still believe there are so many joys that can be discovered and had in life. I'm only 22....thats so young. But when I'm 60, 70, 80, God willing I live that long, I will remember now. This time of my life. Songs will trigger memories and smells and smiles and yes, even tears.

It made me happy to be alive. Happy to be here. Not just this place, but in this time of my life.

~~~~~~~~~

In other news of less importance, I'm almost out of shampoo. Which means I get to buy new shampoo next week. I love that...I like to mix it up and get something different every couple of times....thats a small thing that brings me joy...picking out a new shampoo.

I also bought 4 2-quart bottles of Sunny D today. For $4. Thank you Kroger.

I want to go to the beach very badly. The smell of sunscreen. Floating in the ocean and being knocked over by waves. Putting aloe vera on freshly burnt(but not too burnt) shoulders. Having just enough glow on your cheeks to want almost no make up. Hammocks. The breeze that comes from the ocean. Fresh Krispy Kreme donuts before you hit the beach. This is where adulthood is a stinker. I don't know if this will happen for me this year. Oh but how I will try my darndest to make it happen.

I saw this spray painted on a wall: Repeat after me; I am Free

That gives me chills for some reason.

~~~~~~~~~

May I leave with this link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8GH-AkJDkNE

I hope you are able to enter the sweet presence of our God and taste and see that He is good.

Wisdom I learned in Yoga today

So we were doing this pose. It is called table or sitting chair or something.

You stand and lift one leg and cross it over the other knee. Then you bring your hands into a praying position. And then you kind of squat.

It's a balancing exercise.

The thing is, if you look around, you will fall off balance. You have to keep your eye on one thing, taking steady breaths and just focus on what you're doing.

But another key to fully staying balanced is to not think about anything else. Because if your mind wanders, so will your balance.

Welcome to my life. And thank you, my sweet Jesus for giving me a visual for what you need me to do right now.

Focus. On HIM.

Don't look anywhere else. Don't think about anything else.

Don't worry. Don't analyze. Don't bargain. Don't dwell. Don't think on things that were or things that will be.

Think about Him. Focus on where I am. Breathe.

Because here's the thing...we are human. We mess up. And fall down. And hopefully get back up.

I feel like I've never done that so much and so often as I have in these last few months. Weeks. Days. Literally every day I have to receive my God's new mercies.

I always feel like I do something wrong. Like I can never get anything right. I focus a lot on my shortcomings. And each day seems to bring light to something else wrong that I've done. Or each day I do something wrong.

It is a decision I have to make to stand up and dust myself off.

Sometimes I wish that other people didn't have to experience this. That my wrong doing didn't have to involve messing up something else that is good. Or setting something back.

I tend to be good at setting things back when they're on the way to good.

Perhaps it would be easier if I did all this on another continent so the people I loved the most wouldn't have to experience it. And wouldn't need the extra dose of strength from God to handle this with me.

That is one of the most humiliating things about it all.

I read this in a book once and it rocked my world.

Psalm 23:4 starts with saying:

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...."

It doesn't say:

"Even though I sit and ponder through the valley of the shadow of death...."

It doesn't say:

"Even though I think through the valley of the shadow of death...."

It doesn't say:

"Even though I wallow in the valley of the shadow of death...."

It doesn't say:

"Even though I lay down in the valley of the shadow of death...."

It says "Even though I WALK..."

Like I said before in an earlier post, one day my walking may become like a dance. With each day I continue to be rebuilt.

Sometimes all I can do is cling to the old as the chisel is raised to come down again.

I don't like letting go. I don't want to. And I honestly don't know how to try.

But it's a process. And I'm not ok with just sitting down. No more wallow.

So I walk. With a mind focused on the One that matters. My eyes still stray. My thoughts get more jumbled and rattle my mind more than I know how to deal with sometimes.

I just pray my God doesn't get tired of my imperfect soul.

I want to be so good. Better than I have been. Please world, give me grace as I keep trying.

I'm fighting as hard as I know how. And like I said, I'm still learning to balance.

So many things.

Oh, and one more thing....

I still love my job.

I still love these girls.

I started grad school and feel I have new purpose as I seek to know the hearts of the impoverished and homeless community of Hot Springs.

I haven't felt this kind of purpose in a while. I like knowing I'm where my God wants me.

I've lived in fear too long.

Hello hope. I have so much of you to share.

I changed a recent desire. May it now be:

To know You, and make YOU known....

I'm so hard headed...took me too long....

Ancora Imparo

Michaelangelo said those words not long before his death. Translated from Italian, it means, "I am still learning."

Don't you hate when you realize you've been doing something all wrong. The whole time, as you strive, it doesn't make a difference because it wasn't the right way. I'm thankful my God extends me grace. A grace I once thought I was pretty good at showing....how wrong was I.

And when I say wrong, I don't mean that in a putting down upon self way. But it was a revelation I had today. One that simply said, "Just stop."

It is not one thing. It is many.

Hello, change. It's nice to see you again. I haven't really liked you much before, but I think we might as well be friends.

I hate being blinded by myself.

I listened very carefully to this song today and I cry it out as my prayer.

If you have never heard the anointed voice of Kari Jobe, follow this link to hear her sing this song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3Jv1Hf2oCw

Here are the lyrics:

Here before your altar,

I am letting go of all I've held...
of every motive, every burden,

everything that's of myself.

And I just wanted to wait on You, my God.
I just want to dwell on who You are.

Beautiful, beautiful,

oh, I am lost for more to say.

Beautiful, beautiful oh Lord,
You are beautiful to me.

Here in your presence,

I am not afraid of brokenness.
To wash Your feet with humble tears,

I would be poured out till nothing's left.

Beautiful, beautiful,

oh, I am lost for more to say.

Beautiful, beautiful oh Lord,
You are beautiful to me.

Holy, Holy, Holy, You are You are.

Holy, Holy, Holy, You are You are.

Holy, Holy, Holy, You are You are.

Holy, Holy, Holy, You are You are.

Beautiful, beautiful,

oh, I am lost for more to say.

Beautiful, beautiful oh Lord,
You are beautiful to me.

Even if I don't know who I am, I have to rest in knowing my God does. Knows my soul. Knows the beat of my heart. And can carry me when am broken into bits.

I hate brokeness and the vulnerability that comes with it.

I think I was shattered today, but the good kind.

Hello to stop trying. At so many things.

Hello to learning to be carried as my legs are being made stronger in weakness.

Hello to a confidence my God placed in me that I dismissed for way too long.

Hello to learning to dance again as my legs stop wobbling. But right now, I'm working on walking. Dancing will come soon.

Dancing with a balance and grace my God taught me how to do.

Not with the balance I have been going on. It wasn't balance.

Some days I may crawl, but I haven't thrown away the good kind of try and strive.

I feel free in a way. Free from myself.

As I let go of the things I thought I knew, I feel chains break off. Chains that I locked down. Not to people or situations. Just to lies and anger. Stuff from my past.

Sharing is a different kind of vulnerability I'm not sure I like but know that with it comes accountability. Which I'm also not sure I like. But like I said, hello, change.

I don't want to bury myself under business and once that is gone, find all of this under the rubble.

So even though I don't know what's next, at least I know I'm being carried by my God instead of crawling on the floor trying to find my way.

*Another great song to hear: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hu09HSHbE64