I can't tell you the exact day I started caring so much of what people thought about me that I start changing things to please them. That, my friends, is always a lose lose situation.
The day I allow my value to be determined by another person's thoughts is the day all things are wrong. Because that is the day expectations arise; the day I make it easy for people to walk all over me AND take advantage of me; the day I lose sight of the One in whom my value is in to begin with.
I've met that day on occasion. I don't know what the last three weeks has been about but geez, enough already, self.
I've heard it is possible to speak things into being. I've done that before, I think. And if I didn't recognize where that is almost the case again, I would be setting myself up for so much pain again. Thank you Jesus for removing the veil I slipped over my eyes.
I don't want to go back to therapy.
I am thankful for what I learned and I refer back to those things often.
And I don't say I don't want to return out of a denying that I need to go. Half if not most the stuff I struggle with is self imposed, even if I don't realize it at the time.
I think I will always want to be a better version of me in the sense that I always want to be one capable of change. But I can't do what I've been doing.
It's like acknowledging that I can not be perfect for everyone, but setting that aside and trying anyway. That just sets me up for failure and pisses other people off at the same time.
I still want to be a good friend. I still want to do good. I love to serve people. And even though I didn't realize it at the time, so much of that last semester carried with it expectations. I am thankful the Lord showed me that that needed to change. I don't do in expectation anymore.
But tell me this...are all expectations wrong? I feel like they will most likely end in some kind of pain, somewhere along the line. But there must be a balance.
Sometimes, I just want to be small. And held. And have my hand held. But I guess I have to realize I can't have those things anymore. Does the acceptance of adulthood mean fully relinquishing those desires?
Sometimes, I just want to go home. And even though its that dance of being a grownup but in a Home where I have the freedom to be a child, at least I have that option.
And not a "let me act immature" kind of child-like state. An "its ok to curl up and be held and know that everything is going to be ok" way.
But until I get to go home again, those things will have to wait.
And sometimes, I still want to know I matter. That I'm doing ok at life. That I am making a difference. I think at one point I thought I deserved to hear those things. But recently it hit me: I have to live a life that exemplifies those things and even then, I may never verbally hear them. In a way, it kindof goes back to speaking things into existence. For some time, I have spoken negatives things into existence. That gets so old. And I believe actions can will things and feelings into existence.
Even the best intentions can fall short.
Trying so much only results in overcompensation.
Trying to be sure only gets old. There has to be trust at some point.
Even though I've been saying it for months, at some point I have to stop and believe who I am is enough.
I matter, did you know that? My God told me so.
I can never be all that you may want me to be. I will let you down. And probably again after that. I may even hurt you. I never want to. But I hope that doesn't disqualify me from being in your life. I speak that to you all. And know that the love I have is deep. I can't help that I love so deeply. But I do wish I could make it be not such a harsh form of loving.
Change is ever swirling around me. But thus is life.
I am now 23.
Back to the drawing boards of trying to just be. Trying to live is enough. Much less tossing so much on my self and my need to always do and fix. A lesson I learned in therapy.
I don't speak promises of things I expect my friends to see as change. Its like an emotional drug. I've had people I love so dearly struggle with big issues. With drugs, for example, I've seen them be good for a while but then go back then get clean then fall back. After a while, you want to get excited when they sober up but you have no expectations that it will stick. All you can do is pray. I think I've become that for people close to me. Please don't give up on me.
But I make these changes not for you friends. I have to start doing this for my God and myself.
I have to love myself. That's hard enough.
In other news:
1. I get to be apart of an art show in Hot Springs tomorrow night. My first in this community. I am excited actually. I really have no idea what it will be like and feel kind of weird because I'm just gonna be there amongst all these well established artists. But I want to have confidence in who I am to mingle with these people.
2. Summer is 2 weeks away. I can't wait.
3. A week from tomorrow, I will photograph my first wedding. And get to be with some friends I haven't seen in a while. I can't wait.
4. I am so proud of some people in my life right now. Graduating. Getting awesome jobs. Going abroad. I have amazing people in my life who are just incredible beings. I'm so lucky.
5. I finished my first quilt. Happy graduation sis. Proud of you.
6. My room is the filthiest it has ever been. I should be cleaning it or sleeping right now instead of doing this. But this is more fun.
7. I would love to go swimming everyday. I've been really wanting to do that lately. The weather has just been so beautiful.
8. While I certainly don't need another hobby, I found an at home letterpress system. My heart went a flutter. I don't think people will ever understand what it means for me to create. The act of creating something is a part of who I am. How I love. Like another language to me. I have so enjoyed doing that lately.
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