Establishing Self

Seems like everyday reveals new limits. This isn't always a bad thing. I guess it is good to know such things about oneself.

People who know me probably find it no surprise that establishing myself as any kind of disciplinary figure is no easy task. How do you say, "I'm a nice person, but I mean business?"

In fact, "meaning business" is another task in itself. But its coming slowly but surely. I had to get on to a student the other day. She cried. I feel bad that I didnt feel bad. She didn't use common sense. Thats the thing. Here, you get one or the other: book sense or common sense...it rarely comes in the same package.

Next week I will be on my own as far as office and transportation duty goes...I'm having a struggle having confidence in myself that I can do this but I know I can...however, it seems like I'm constantly reminding myself that I am a grown up and I am old enough to take care of these girls and have the responsibilities that I do.

I experienced two intriguing events last week that have stuck with me. The first was during my first office shift. The office was swarming with kids who were just anxious to walk into downtown and get away of the obvious smotherings of a dorm. Not to mention it was day 2 of classes.

In walk three alumni. And by alumni, I mean students who graduated in May.*

The one leading the pack was this talk, lanky guy who I actually remember meeting when I came for an interview.

Although, the guy I remember meeting was not standing in front of me. No. This guy..I mean, adult,.. stood before me with his former shaggy hair in the beginning stages of dreads. And you know he felt way too cool to be there...he even left his sunglasses on to prove it. Don't get me wrong...seemed like a nice guy. But there is this certain air that surrounds him. One that says, "haha suckers, I'm outta here.

As the current senior, whom they're checking out, comes in the office, they grab him and throw him over their shoulders as any rambunctious group of rowdy teens would do. But I found myself in a state of fury when at 6:30 on the dot this current senior signs back in reaking of pot. And with that came the knowledge that I can't do anything about it. Because I didn't witness it.

I hate watching a kid pave a road for themself that will eventually dead in.


I want to share about the other event that gave me a small glimpse into why I love my job but alas, it will have to wait.

You see, today, I returned from my day off with my mattress topper. My much missed mattress topper. And yes, I have been sleeping but not resting. And the sleep just hasn't been good. But as I crawled into my mattress topper clad bed when I got off work at 7:00pm, I wanted to cry at the pure joy my heart felt. And with that, I slid into a small coma that was only interrupted by a phone call that one of my girls had had an allergic reaction.

You know, I've come to realize something. I have longed for routine.

Who knew that such a thing doesn't exist at such a place?

*While graduating this place does make them "alumni," I in no way want to incenuate they are these mature adults that have gone on from such a place and then returned years later to reminsce on their former educational institution.